gaikokujin


"If your mind is empty, it is always ready for anything; it is open to everything. In the beginner's mind there are many possibilities; in the expert's mind there are few."
Shunryu Suzuki

For many years I felt like a gaikokujin "foreigner". Drifting without purpose, Looking everywhere to find peace, hoping beyond the next hill it was there. Of course it was never there. I was suffering, I knew I was suffering, I created situations to create more suffering. For a long time I could only see the suffering. It became the focus of life. I did not want to look to closely at myself for the cause.

As time passed, as life passed me by I came to the river. I was chased by the demons I created. I reached the point of letting them finally capture me. My life had no meaning, no purpose, I was just existing. It was time to let the demons end this existence. The river blocked my escape. My time came to an end.

In the struggle I heard a voice. A voice that had been locked away for many years. All kinds of barriers prevent me from hearing it. It was faint but it said there is hope. I strained to listen. It just repeated over and over again, there is hope. The barriers I cleverly erected over the years were coming down. It was as if on the far bank of the river a stranger was calling to me. There was still fear of crossing the river. A major part of myself wanted to stay on this shore of the river. The voice presented another choice, another path that could be my life.

I chose to cross the river, to listen to the voice on the far side. It is a struggle for me. The river is swift with many under currents. Occasionally I falter and go under the water but I seem to find the strength to rise to the surface once more. The journey is not over I am still in the river navigating those currents. I see the shore line, the voice is stronger, encouraging me on.

I don't look back anymore. When I did, I saw the demons, pleading for my return. I have been tempted by the comfort of the old life, the familiar feelings. The journey is not over but I see the hope now. As time passes the demons voices have become faint.

Namu Amida Butsu
Namu Amida Butsu
Namu Amida Butsu

Posted: Sun - October 17, 2004 at 11:58 PM        

©