Comment on the battle of the sexes - 2002

Originally published http://www.spot.no/33932.html

Who has got the (remote) control?

Men does not understand women, women does not understand men. Men originates from Mars, women originates from Venus. Physically women are supposed to be the fair sex. In most cases this is correct – but there are exceptions, like when a girl broke the arm of Norwegian stand-up comedian Thomas Giertsen while arm-wrestling during a show.

Mothers and fathers.

One of the tasks you have as a woman is worrying. Constantly. Especially if you are a mother. I can use my own mother as an example. I am sure my mother was not the only mother who said the following when I was living at home. Some things never change. I still hear this when I go home:

Are you sure you have put on enough clothes? Aren’t you wearing too much? There is something for every season. If it is winter, I am not wearing enough clothes, if it is summer I am definitely wearing too much. I have been living on my own for more than three years now and I have learned to dress according to the weather.

Is that all you are having? I think you are eating too little. Are you dieting? I think you are too slim. A topic of conversation around the dinner table. Maybe I just want one potato for dinner! Together wit a couple of meatballs (of course homemade, filled with nutritients and approved ingredients) and accompanying vegetables (healthy etc) it is more than sufficient for someone like me, with the stomach capacity of a one penny coin.

Don’t be too late now. Don’t stay up too late. Some times you are back home, you want to see friends and you go out. Even if she won’t admit it, I know she is lying awake until I am home. Half past four in the morning you’re saying? It doesn’t matter. I want to watch Ally McBeal and Friends on the box, and maybe even another late show before I go to bed. The need for beauty sleep has passed anyway.

Are you sure you’re ok? I can see something is wrong. The most annoying thing is that in nine out of ten cases she is right when she makes this statement. What is it mothers can see that others can’t? I don’t even have to be at her house, I only need to say “Hi” on the phone and off she goes.

Are you sure you have enough…? Add any noun here. Food? Money? Clothes? Shoes? Tights? Coats? Underwear? The list goes on and on.

This is no criticism. Deep down we actually appreciate these things. It shows that somebody cares etc, but when you are fourteen and you want to do everything yourself, it is basically terribly annoying.

Fathers tend to side with the children in these cases – Don’t fuss about it, she knows what she is doing. Dad is the cool parent, mum carries the can. But try coming home and telling the man of the house you have met somebody! A young man! Expect the third degree cross-examination traitors were put through after the war and it is to your advantage to have a full family background and police record ready if you do not to want him to call the young mans parents himself. If you decide to bring him home, it is mandatory for the men folk to have the conversation. This conversation is basically a couple of humorous threats with serious meaning. They both understand this. Then they crack a couple of jokes and everything is A OK. This is the primitive acceptance ritual between men.

The eternal hunting grounds

So we reach an age where males and females are starting to communicate on a higher level, and we have to go through many trials connecting with the opposite sex. Men are basically simple beings. Women make them complicated. It is said that on average a man think of sex every ten second. No wonder Monday suddenly turns out to be Thursday when your chain of thoughts is broken every ten second by fannies, hips, nipples, the sound of zippers, Velcro, buttons unpicking and ripping silk. What I am getting to is of course the classical “I will call you Monday”-phrase. Monday rarely means Monday. Monday actually means Thursday – or whenever the thought pops up in between a kinky position on the kitchen table and the image of a knock-out babe from Baywatch on his retina.

Namely she is not expected to make advances. The man has his hunting instincts, so if you are a young woman and has been on a date with a young man you are expected to sit by the phone watching moss grow. God help us if we accidentally phone him first! Showing initiative! Good gracious. She might as well have asked if he wanted to have a threesome with a nun and the Pope. Then she is pushy or potentially easy, making her a possible one-night-stand (read: disposable) – he becomes a hero and she turns into a frivolous tart. It is said that for men you are supposed to deduct 1/3 of the total number he claims to have had sex with. While for women you are supposed to add 1/3. Why this is so is a complete riddle to me. A man who has bedded three women during the week-end is dead cool and is really pulling; a woman doing the same is easy. Que?

Living together

I moved out when I was 18 years old. Why did I leave home? To move in with a young man. I had finally found one. After years of futile testing and failing I had finally caught one. As a young woman there are a couple of things you have to deal with when you are living with a man, especially if he is fresh out of the nest (see first paragraph).

It means doing the dishes twice as many times as he does them (hell will freeze over before he is doing them), the lid will be left open, he cam aim (if it is that difficult to hit the damned thing – sit!), a trail of clothes from the bed to the shower (the word laundry basket is of course not in his vocabulary), wet towels in a pile on the floor (you’re saying hang them up?), the everlasting argument over the remote (match of the day versus Friends), pornography (in the form of pictures on his computer, magazines, movies etc). Hot tip: never move in with someone fresh out of mummy’s nest - then you will end up being his extra mother) back to the first paragraph again).

Being a man living together with a woman cannot be easy either. Mood swings (especially once a month), - let’s talk about it (a sentence that is able to scare the life out of most people), neurotic towards other females, arrive home five minutes too late and be prepared to answer twenty questions – who, what, where?, sulking (especially over things the man have forgotten the second after it happened), signals (men does not read signals, that is just the way it is), yelling and scolding of the kind – why don’t you tidy up, you pig? And - is it so damned difficult to put the lid on the marmalade after you have used it?

Women’s relationship to men is that either you love them or you hate them. Very rarely is this confined to only one individual. No, we’re talking the whole population of men. How often haven’t we heard a woman bursting out in full anger – I hate men! – Or the classical – Ohhhh, men! – When one man behaves like he just had apart of his brain removed or put his personality in the freezer, it is just not him behaving like an idiot. All men are exactly like the one who jus put us down. Can’t live with them, can’t live without them.

Heterosexual men and homosexual men

A large group of the male population is scared of homosexual men. Especially being alone together with a homosexual man. Why? Maybe because they know that they can be persuaded very easily and might participate in something they originally do not want to do? Maybe because they think they are so irresistible that nobody can resist them and that a homosexual man definitely must lusts for everything walking on two legs with the same equipment. Do all heterosexual men fancy everything walking on two legs and with breasts?

Another fascinating fact is that a great many men has a fantasy involving rear entry to their girlfriend. But having something shoved up them is definitely out of the question. It might hurt! That something unnatural! And the difference between men and women of that actual part of the anatomy is what? Besides, doing their girlfriend up the rear is ok, but when two men are doing the same it is yucky and filthy and horrible. Two girls having sex is the sexiest thing ever – while two men together is near the worst thing ever. Did anybody say double standards?

Who is the stronger sex?

This is the eternal question. Physically the male is superior to the female – with a few exceptions. Men are big and strong and put his protective arm around his delicate woman. This is the standard. On the other hand, if we look at pregnancy and birth which are the most physically and mentally challenging events a human being can go through; it is the woman who endures it. A man can endure pain if it is transient. A right hook to the temple, a black eye, and sore knuckles. It will all pass. Put a man into labour for three days and see how his psyche is doing afterwards.

If a man is ill, he is ill. A minor influenza and he has a near death experience. He is flat out on the sofa for two weeks and poor me. It is expected that his woman stands by him, cooking and being sweet and gentle when he is so frail. If a woman is ill, there is little or no sympathy from the opposing party. IF she tries to lie down on the sofa for a couple of minutes the dinner will be burnt, the kids will wreak havoc in the house and everything is a complete chaos.

Women let men think they are in control – but who has really got the (remote) control? The person who understands the fine mechanisms of the power structure in a relationship, is also the person best qualified to control it.