The Diary of a Redneck Jedi
"At last, I have persuaded Yoda to tell me the secret of the universe. It is
all contained in a single sentence:
’The banana is great, but the skin is greater’."
"Jabba the Hutt has got a new girl-friend named Roseanne Shelob."
"Snuffy Smith for president! At last, we should have a president who speaks swithout an accent."
"Shoot, son, come on over t’ the dark side...It’ll be a hoot."
"Luke, I am your father. And your uncle and your brother."
"Yoda says I can’t marry Leia. I don’t get it."
"My light sabre sucks. I cut myself again shaving this morning."
"I've made a real dandy new hat out of one o’ them Ewoks."
"I’ve found a new use for my light sabre. It’s real good against them dadgum skeeters."
"Chewbacca axed me this morning if he could marry Leia. I said sure, why not? Whitest man I know."
"Now that I’m on Tatooine’s moon I’ll set up a still and make me some real moonshine."
"I had a real nasty shock today. I discovered that Obi-Wan Kenobi is a man! And I always thought...I mean, in that dress he looks just like Grandma."
"What I really want to be is an Imperial Stormtrooper. The sheets they wear are really grand."
"I don’t understand why them city slickers call the Ewoks primitive."
"I don’t like wearing a Jedi robe. It keeps me from reaching for the dip in my back pocket."
"It’s too late t’ go back now, son. Just have some from this here jar an’ relax."
"Them Ewoks sure are tasty. Better’n fried possum:"
"An Injun has moved to the neighbourhood. Name of Darth Maul. I don’t know what tribe he’s from, I don’t recognise his paint."
"I had a little accident today. Han Solo’s head happened t’ be in the way when I lit a cigarette with my light sabre."
"Obi-Wan says I can't keep a still now I'm a Jedi. I guess that means I get free rations of the stuff. I knew there had to be some good point to all this tramping around in unwashed sheets."
"If you want to give your homebrew some real kick, add a dead Ewok and wait until it’s been completely absorbed."
"I’ve got to get back to the Death Star. I forgot my banjo there."
"Obi-Wan has told me to remove the Ewok skin I’m flying from my X-Wing. When I asked why, the old fart said it should be obvious. Go figure."
"The Trade Federation has imposed a really crushing tax on chewing baccy. This means WAR!"
"They tell me Wattoo down at the feed store is a Jew. Figures. All Jews have a blue skin and wings."
"The Ewoks are coming up through the hole I made in the floor when I spilled my homebrew! And they are all kinds of weird colours! And they flicker! AAH!"
"Yoda tole me to go out and cut us some faggots. I tole him we don't have none of them people around in these parts."
"Either there are some really old and bald Ewoks living under the kitchen sink, or else Yoda has a secret family."
"Dead Ewoks don’t talk. Of course, living Ewoks don’t talk either."
"I’m going to marry Leia, never mind what Yoda says. The family that stays together slays together."
"So they have discovered that Mara Jade is my aunt. So what?"
"Go not to the Ewoks for advice, for you will not understand what they say."
"Is there no limit to the evil of the Trade Federation? Now they have bought all the moonshine to use as rocket fuel."
"Now that Jar-Jar Binks has been voted sheriff instead of that old busybody Hankins, us decent citizens can sleep without fear. I'm off to the still now."
"We’ve made Senator Palpatine confess his evil plans. Two days of listening to ’Dueling Banjos’ made him beg for mercy."
"Oh, Morwenna! Oh, don’t you cry for me! I have come from Minas Morgul with a Balrog on my knee."
(Song from "The Diary of a Redneck Jedi")"Leia thinks like me that the name Leia lacks class, so she’s gonna call herself Sherileen Rae."
"I don't like that there Beth Sue who has shacked up with Obi-Wan. A girl of twelve like her should know better than to smoke at table in front of her children."
"Sheriff Hankins says Ewoks are a protected species. He's full of it. My cousin Leroy impregnated one of them a half year ago."
"I have discovered that Darth Vader is my father and Yoda is my mother. Of course, Yoda is also my brother. And Leia is my sister and my uncle once removed."
"Wattoo down at the feed store says he can't buy my mushroom brew no longer because Sheriff Hankins has forbidden him to do it. Hankins is a greedy old pig! I can't give him more jars of it just to keep him happy and forget my little hunting expedition. And anyway, I only shot one Ewok out of season. So there ain't no season at all when you are allowed to shoot Ewoks. Big deal! He'll forbid me to chase Sand people with my X-Wing next. I think Chewbacca is right - we'll have to form a militia to protect our ancient freedoms."
"The marriage between Chewbacca and Leia is off because they discovered Leia is Chewbacca’s mom. I don’t get it."
"One mushroom a day keeps the doctor away. (You can't hear his silly talk, that's how.)"
"The new Jedi Master is called Iarwain Ben-Kenobi, and his boots are yellow."
"The Jedi Academy hassles me again. They claim the antenna on my truck is a danger to low-flying X-Wings."
"The media have invaded our planet. Monica Lewinsky claims she has had it on with Jar-Jar Binks, our new sheriff."
"A virgin is a girl who runs faster than her uncle."
"The bombing by the Imperial fleet has done $100,000 dollars worth of improvement on this neighbourhood."
"I have found a dandy helmet to wear when I race in my X-Wing. It says Cool Whip on the side."
"The manufacturers have reclaimed my X-Wing and replaced it with something called an X-Shadowy Appendage."
"I'm looking forward to going to the Imperial City. They say it's even bigger than Wal-Mart."
"Jabba the Hutt has moved into the trailer next to mine. I get pissed off by his noisy parties. He never invites me."
"Those bondo spots on my X-Wing make a real neat pattern."
"I've become cool and started to smoke roaches. Those hippie boys ain't so stupid after all. If you collect a whole bunch of roaches in the kitchen and smoke them you can use them as TV snacks."
"Deserves to die! I daresay he does. But if you cut his head off with your lightsabre he'll start to haunt us everywhere, just like Yoda and Obi-Wan. So you keep your cottonpickin’ fingers under control."
"If Darth Maul had been drinking my moonshine instead of Chewbacca’s he wouldn’t have that skin problem."
"I was excused as a juryman again, with the same old motivation: that I am related to all the parties involved."
"I love ‘The Ballad of the Green Beards’ by Bári Sadler. I sure get a thrill from them words: ‘One hundred Dwarves will try today…’"
"Luke, stop playing with your sister. You are both too young for it."
"Let's hold a necktie party for that poofter Yoda."
"Ewoks make bad manure. Jar-Jar Binks makes good manure."
"I have had my X-Wing replaced with a B-Wing, but it won’t fly. I wonder why?"
"I sure envy Jabba the Hutt his airship. All those neat bondo patterns!"
"Luke, we are being pulled towards the Dog Star. It is lifting its leg! AIEE!"
"Tomorrow it’s Leia’s birthday. I can’t make up my mind whether to buy baccy or ammo for her.”
"Lando Calrissian told me my aunt wears army boots. He seemed pissed off when he said it. Maybe he thinks we are snobs for always wearing the best."
"Sheriff Hankins says Lando Calrissian can’t vote because he’s not a citizen. I call that discermination."
"We country people are just as good as them slickers."
"I met a Yankee who told me he is warden at Sing-Sing. One o’ them revivalist churches, I guess."
"Obi-Wan said the Ewoks are autochthonous on this moon. I said they can’t fly an X-Wing either."
"I have discovered that Yoda’s ears are radar receptors! No wonder he’s so in tune with things."
"I bought some new Jedi robes cheap at Wal-Mart. There is a text on them saying KISS THE CHEF, but apart from that they are real nifty."
"“Sheraf Hankins laughed a real mean laugh when he strung up that Ewok."
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