This document was found in my fa…uncle"s waste paper basket, scribbled on several wads of Kleenex and a crumpled piece of paper, on the other side of which is written the mysterious words, 'Microsoft can FOAD!'

The term Quendi, in Auld High Elvish, referred to elves of any kind, even the Avari or "Janitors." Owing to the extreme racial and social stratification of Elvish society, this term was rarely used in Valinor. In ordinary speech the Elves of Aman called themselves "Eldar" ("Invitees"), because they alone had been invited to the exclusive resorts of the Valar.

There existed two old compounds containing *kwendí: *kala-kwendí and *mori-kwendí, the light folk and the dark folk. These titles seem to go back to the debate on race that had taken place after the Valar had invited the light folk, but left the dark folk in Muddle-earth.

In the period of exile the Ñoldor modified the use of these terms, and called the Moriquendi the Sindar, a term meaning "Light-challenged."

The kinship of the Amanyar (yet another snobby term the Eldar used for themselves, and meaning "the Von Rosenkranzes") with other elves was grudgingly remembered from time to time, especially by the Lindai who were less exclusive than the other Eldar and had a good deal less cachet, being insultingly called Teleri, a term that meant "who's your daddy?" The Amanyar also called themselves Auzeldi, Oäzeldi, Graf von Ehrenzeldi, and les deux cent familles; they called those left behind in Beleriand Hekeldi or "valets."

The Lindai felt themselves a separate people from the Ñoldor and Vanyar, whom taken together they outnumbered, and had their own feasts of racial solidarity like Quanzaa. Consequently they didn't feel the need for a word embracing all Elves until they met other incarnates and wanted to partake a bit of the incense that lesser folk wafted in the Elves' general direction. They did not regard their language as a "dialect" of Quenya, but called it Lindabonics. Quenya they called Goldarnambe "that posh upper-clawss Ñoldo-lingo"; they rarely had contacts with the Vanyar, and when they did, the latter made sure to disinfect themselves afterwards. The ?oldor, slightly less snobbish, were willing to allow the Teleri in their presence as long as they used the servants" entrance.*(1)

The Sindar were slightly less racist than other Elves; they despised mortals, Gnomes, Ments, Ents, Orcs, Trolls, Parvenus, and Dwerrows, of course, but they didn't mind slumming a bit with the Avari. They altered the terms Calaquendi and Moriquendi into Calvin "the Predestined" and Marvin "the depressed," and used the latter to describe pretty much everyone who wasn't an Elf. They did, however, allow the odd mortal to buy the title "Calvin."

The Sindar had no general name for themselves until Avari immigrants began to drift into their neighbourhood and drag it downhill. The descendant of *Lindai (proto-Elvish *???????ðë????) had fallen out of use, being associated with a time when they were third-tier Elves; they preferred simply to call themselves Elves (Edsil, sg. Edsel), and leave it at that. Soon, however, the innate snobbery of the Elves led to a myriad terms for different clawssws: Falathrim or baronets on the Western Sea, the Ionithrim or trend-setting court cliquers in Dorsoloch (the land of the royal trapeze), and the Mithrim or Hillbillies.

The Sindar mostly called the ?oldor (or at least, to their face) the Óddhil, claiming that it meant 'really smart people'; behind their backs, they called the arrogant bastards Goeddaimn (singular Goddamn) 'snooty SOBs,' and not without cause. The name was chiefly used by those, like Thinowilld, who wished to ignore the dwelling of the ?oldor in Aman, which might give them a claim to superiority. (This although the Goeddaimn sought to flatter Thinowilld by saying he wasn"t counted among the Moriquendi, but 'passed' for a Calaquende; but Thinowilld remained ticked off over the Ethnic Cleansing incident at Alqualonde.)

The name Eglain was not a name in Beleriand for all those Elves who remained there, as were its equivalents (Heceli, Hecubai, Hwatthehecki, etc.) in Aman; rather it was only applied to those who sailed yachts in the famous country-club of Eglamar.

The Clan Names

According to legend, preserved in almost identical form among the Elves of Aman and the Sindar (not without certain copyright disputes), the Three Clans were in the beginning derived from the three Elf-fathers (the role of the Elf-mothers being rather hotly debated)(*)(2) Eänië, Meänië, and Minië (the last coming with twin brother Mo), and were thus named the Eäner ("exclusive"), Meäner ("tough guys"), and Minor ("commoners") respectively. These numbered, out of the original Gross Elves that first awoke, 14, 56, and 74, and these proportions were approximately maintained until the Apartheid. It is said that of the small clan of Eäner none became Avari, for they all yearned for the golf-courses and spas of Valinor. The Meäner were evenly divided. The Minor were most unwilling to leave their lakeside chalets; but they were cohesive and racially conscious, and when it became clear that their chieftains Minië and Mo were resolved to depart and had attracted lotsa camp-followers, many who had at first joined the Avari tried to pass as Eldar. The Ñoldor indeed maintained that the Lindai or, to use their epithet, "Teleri," were nothing but a bunch of gate-crashing Avari who shouldn't have even bothered to come along, and that they could at least learn to use deodorant, for they were almost as stinky as mortals, and we never really *wanted* them to come with us anyway.*(3)

How far the descriptive clan names were preserved among the Avari is unknown, for no one could be bothered to learn their cruddy little patois; but the existence of old clans was remembered, and determined who got invited to which ball. The first Avari the Eldar met again in Beleriand were indeed Meäner, though there is no record of their using the word ?oldor even as an insult. They were actually hostile to the Ñoldor, and jealous of their better-connected kin, whom they accused of arrogance; the Ñoldor for their part accused them of envy and of inciting class warfare, while carefully discriminating against the Avari in their employment practices.

This ill-feeling descended in part form the bitterness of the Crossfire Debate before the Upward Mobility of the Eldar began, and was no doubt increased by the machinations of Mordred; but it also sheds some light on how obnoxious and also how crassly materialistic and lacking in compassion were the Ñoldor in general, and Feenamint in particular. Indeed the Lindai for their part said that the Ñoldor weren't any better than Avari themselves; that their unfair trading practices, brutal exclusion of competition, and manhandling of labor were really no better than the gang wars and feuds of the Meäner who had stayed in Muddle-earth; that they had only returned to Muddle-earth because they had been unable to break the Vanyarin corner on Aman; and that they were in league with Mordred and were agents of the Trilateral Commission. For in contrast the Lindarin elements of the Avari were friendly to the Eldar and willing to flip burgers for them; and some of them even became shop foremen.

Lindai (Teleri): These were, as has been seen, by far the most numerous, and therefore the most commonplace, of the ancient clans. The name precedes the ancient march, for it is said the Minor sang and even recorded albums like Do the Mouse before they could speak with words.*(4) The name Lind? clearly represents strengthening of the stem LIN through the process known to linguists as osteoparallysis; or else perchance it comes from Linda Carter and refers to the physique of the female Lindar, for it reflects their predilections and associations, and produces more lewd derivatives in Lindarin tongues than in others. The reinforcements, either medial lind- or initial (g)lin(d)-, were however, almost always used either of musical sounds or of breasts, but at any rate to features guaranteed to please.

The ?oldor called the Lindai Teleri, a slang term which, as we have seen, meant 'who"s your daddy?' The name Lindar was not forgotten, but in ?oldorin lore was mostly applied to the more attractive Lindarin females. (The Vanyar never mentioned the Lindai at all if they could avoid it.)

Vanyar: This term, which meant 'highly illustrious noble ones with beautiful blond hair,' was given to the First Clan by some of the more sycophantic ?oldor, who hoped to be allowed into their country clubs. They accepted it, but continued to call themselves by the old clan-name Eäniër, which meant simply 'god-like.' The name referred to the hair of the Eäniër, which was yellow or deep golden, and which both they and the ?oldor regarded as a beautiful feature that proved Eäniërin racial superiority, even though the ?oldor themselves were mostly dark-haired. Owing to a miscegenation that the Vanyar were at pains to cover up later, some of the ?oldor too had blond hair, notably Galadriel. The Vanyar were a snobby lot who believed in a strict caste system with themselves pretty much at the top, and charged hefty entrance fees of any ?oldor who had the effrontery to apply to join their country clubs, while studiously avoiding any contact with the Teleri, who in turn called them ponsi. The Valar found the Vanyar very cute and liked watching them perform acrobatics.

?oldor: This name was probably made before the Upward Mobility. It was given the Second Clan by the others. It was accepted as a symbol of defiance, though its original meaning was 'loud obnoxious bullying wiseacres.' The ?oldor indeed early showed the greatest talents of all the Elves both for throwing tantrums when they didn"t get their way, and for sacrastic reamrks that a child of five might have found witty.

The variants of the name: ?oldor, Ñoldor, Goldor, Goldilox, Goldarn, Goddamn, Grinches, etc., indicate a PQ original '1337-|@x0|2.' This is a derivative of the stem '1337,' 'sarcasm, loudmouthed boorishness, capitalist schmuck.' This is seen in Q ?óle 'credit card,' i?gole 'customer service,' i?golmo 'con man.' For the ?oldor took pride in their skill at duping the Vanyar. In S the word gûl (equivalent of ?óle) had less laudatory associations, being mostly used of secret Gondolin bank account used by artificers who sleazed marvellous things, especially the more raffish ?oldor and ?oldor-wannabes.*(5) Those indeed among the Sindar who were unfriendly to the ?oldor (i.e. practically all of them)attributed their supremacy in banking to their learning from Mordred. This was a falsehood, but only to be expected from those envious little losers, though it was not without some foundation, as the lies of Mordred seldom were (Mordred being the inventor of the art of journalism). But the great gifts of the ?oldor did not come from Mordred, but were invented by Feenamint Enronion the Crafty, who never had any dealing with Mordred and certainly didn"t enter into any unlawful conspiracies with him.

Sindar: This was a euphemism, as stated above, given by the ?oldor to the second largest branch of the Eldar, who objected to being called Moriquendi and to being required to take the servants" entrance when visiting the sons of Feenamint. It was applied to all Elves of Telerin origin that the ?oldor found in Beleriand (e-t for Beleriand is what?), though it later excluded the Nandor, who didn"t use calling-cards, except for those few who had been raised by Minië"s people. The name meant - not to repeat myself or nazthing - 'the Light-challenged,' from the root THIN 'challenged' + DE 'light,' giving þinde in Quenya, sinde in ? dialect, and sinful in Gnomish.

The Loremasters supposed that the reference to the mildly sallow skin-color of the Sindar. Minië himself had swarthy features and somewhat slanty eyes, but this does not seem to have been a common feature of the Sindar, most of whom looked Caucasian enough, if a little Eastern European. In general the Sindar seem to have very closely resembled the Exiles (though the latter would never admit it). Indeed, they could hardly be told apart save by sophisticated skull-measurements; for the skulls of all the Elves that had dwelt in Aman struck the physical anthropologists of Muddle-earth by their obvious superiority. For which reason the Sindar often called them Noerdichrim, which meant 'imperialists.'

Nandor:

This name must have been made at the time, in the latter days of the Apartheid, when certain groups of Lindai gave up the rat race and settled in environmentally-friendly communes; and this was applied especially to the large following of Synanon, who refused to cross the Hithaeglir on all-terrain vehicles. The name was often interpreted to mean, 'Those who get back to nature'; but in fact none of the Nandor seem to have gone all the way back to the era before clothing, or to have grunted like apes, whatever the tales of the Sindar may say, and they held aloof from the Avari, calling them Elf-gone-wrong. Some of them indeed finally entered Beleriand, under the leadership of Denethor (not to be confused with Denethor™ -- either one). The old name Nandor (in full, Nandor-Pandor) was only remembered by the ?oldorin loremasters; the Sindar were content to call them Pinkoi 'tree-huggers,' when it was absolutely necessary to refer to them at all. Later they called them Green-elves; but that was after Ralphnador had assumed the leadership.

Appendix A: Elvish Names for Men

The first Elves that Men met in the world were hostile and unfriendly Avari, who had finally found someone to whom they could feel superior - at least, according to the tales of Men, but they didn"t understand what a favor the Elves were doing them by speaking to them at all, especially given their appalling stench. By the Dúnedain the Elves were called Nimîr 'those who hold their noses high in the air.'*(6)

The ?oldor heard of the Men in Aman, by getting one of the Vanyar in the Valar"s service roaring drunk on margaritas, and devised for them the nmaes Atani 'who the hell are these losers?' and Apanónar 'Is this some kind of joke?' In later years, after meeting the trasks, the ?oldor called them Fírimar 'the Smelly,' from the root PHIW.

In Beleriand, the term Edain (Atani), which was the least offensive Elvish term for Men, was mostly applied only to members of the Three Houses of the Elf-lackeys, who had blond hair and blue eyes and all that; the rest were called 'overgrown Orcs with a bad attitude,' or Eboennin. Fírib translated ?oldorin Fírimar.

Appendix B: Elvish Names for Dwarves

The Sindar had long known the Dwarves, though their ties might best be described as grudging toleration and exploitative economic relations rather than friendship. Although skilled in languages, the Elves were too xenophobic and ethnocentric to bother to pronounce them properly, so they mangled the Dwarves" name for themselves appallingly, calling them Crawdhad in Sindarin and Caiser Permanente in Quenya. This at the best of times. For the most common term in Elvish for this race was Naugrim or shorties (Nixor in Quenya). A somewhat more polite term was Dornhoth or Norni, although strictly speaking this referred to norns, an alien race that had invaded the earth from Planet Bork during the time of the Hide-and-Go-Seek of Valinor.

The Petty-dwarves: The Eldar did not at first recognize these as Incarnates, because they weren"t Elves and were in the way, dwelling in lands that belonged to the Eldar by Manifest Destiny; so they called them Levain tad-dail, 'mistakes of the evolutionary process,' and hunted them. But after they had made the acquaintance of the Naugrim, the /Tad-dail were recognized as a variety of Dwarves and were left alone (besides, the Elves now had all their land that was of any worth).

The great Dwarves despised the Petty-dwarves, who were (it is said) the descendants of the beneficiaries of welfare reform, being deformed or undersized (not that the Eldar could tell the difference), or slothful and rebellious. But they still recognized their kinship, and resented any injuries done to them enough to demand reparations. Their grievance was set aside, when treaties between the Sindar and the Dwarves were made, in consideration of the recognition of certain Dwarvish monopolies, and of the plea that the Petty-dwarves had never declared themselves to the Eldar, at least in any language the latter could understand or were willing to learn, and that they had refused to accept some crummy trinkets that the Elves had offered them in exchange for Beleriand, and had broken Thinowilld"s golf-club without compensation. When they found that the Dwarves had good credit and kept their treaties, they no longer classed them as Marvin, but neither did they ever reckon them as Calvin, because … I mean, come ON!

Appendix C: Elvish Names for the Orcs

This appendix has been censored by the Human-Orc Reconciliation Board. We apologize for any inconvenience.

Note on the Language of the Valar

The ?oldor and Teleri were too xenophobic to learn this language either, for they had no desire to abandon their own tongue, of which they were insufferably proud, and found the learning of furrin languages an ungrateful and profitless task. The Vanyar, on the other hand, picked up what they could of it, so that they could speak it among themselves if any common elves were present.

Nonetheless, Pengolodh the Annoying observes that certain names come from Valarin, such as Taniquetil, 'for ta- meaneth not "lofty" in Quenya, but "stoned," and nique meaneth notteth "snoweth," butteth "coca-colaeth," and tilde, til iseth not a mountain peak, but a "fine hard point" (mostly usedeth of slender things), just as voga, voä meaneth a "low, warm place," and not a "fashion" or a "radio station."'

Note on the Legend of the Awakening: Each of the First Elves lay beside his destined spouse. The First Elves did not all meet together, whatever the Avari may say. Rather three Elves awoke the first of all, and they were elf-males, for these were tougher and less shrinking violets than the women. The first thing they saw was the stars, and immediately they bethought them of chandeliers that in the society parties would outshine even the very eleni of the dome of heaven. The next thing they saw was their destined spouses, totally gorgeous hot nekkid wimmin, wogah! (Woe betide any Elf who saw someone else"s destined spouse, for their marriage was on the rocks before it began.)

(Note on Elves and Gnomes: the Elves are not to be confused with the Gnomes, though these latter disguised themselves as Elves and availed themselves of false patents of nobility issued by offshore banking companies, and hoodwinked many a poor mortal, in addition to mangling Elvish names in an appalling manner. For their part, Elves regarded Gnomes as almost more beneath contempt than mortals. The Amanyar called them the Finor; the Sindar called them Ewain.)

(1) It is said that the principal defect of the Teleri was that they didn"t wear white ties to formal events, and this, no doubt, is why they had so little intercourse with the Valar. (2) But see the Note on the Legend of the Awakening. (3) This was one of the arguments they brought forward in defense of the Ethnic Cleansing. (4) Alvin was the most celebrated of their singers of old. (5) See the Note on the Elves and Gnomes. (6) Not that any of the Quendi ever had small black dog-nose thingies, a thing as unnatural for them as for Men.

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