The Balrog of Sevīl

Act I:

Count Tildaviva serenades Rosina Cotton, whom her jealous guardian,
Dr. Sam Gamgiolo, keeps locked up.  Rosina, having unobtrusively
dropped a message down from her balcony, is dragged back inside by the
aforesaid Dr. Gamgiolo.

Tildaviva hastily retrieves the message, but interrupts his reading
when Figarog comes on the scene, singing a merry song about how his
services as a jack-of-all-trades is in such demand: he does everythign
from burning dwarves to feeding trolls to arranging sikrit
assignations between Gollum and Shelob ("Largo al valrauko della
cittą").  The Count accosts Figarog and enlists hi's aid in abducting
the lovely hobbit-lass.  After reading Rosina's rather crytpic message
("Use the Ring, I mean wings ;-)), Figarog induces the Count to sing a
little ditty to the effect that he is a poor Ranger or dwarf or
something and certainly not a Balrog, and he (sob!) loves her.  (It is
best not o think too much about /The Marriage of Gothmog/ while
listening to this opera.)  Then he and Figarog make their plans:
Tildaviva will enter Gamgiolo's house disguised as a drunken shirriff.
 While Count Tildaviva rejoices that he will get the girl, Figarog
exults that the Ring will be his!

In a solo, Rosina resolves to use her feminine wiles and a certain
article of jewellery to win the one she loves.

Figarog insinuates his way into Gamgiolo's household, and overhears
the goond doctor plotting with Don Bombadilbio to persuade Rosina to
marry Sam by spreading LIES and FLAMES through the gnusgroups. 
Figarog, highly amuzzled, reveals this tolp to Rosina, who is not at
all surprised.  Rosina asks pointed queastions about Tildaviva (or
"Gwindoro," as he calls himself), to which Figarog makes equally
pointed answers.  In a duet, Rosina expresses her delight that
Tildaviva loves her, while Figarog egoizes that his cunning plot to
seize the Ring and take over the world will succeed.  Figarog is,
however, astounded that Rosina is actually capable of writing a letter
to the Count, for by no means all hobbits were lettered.

After Figarog's departure, Gamgiolo interrogates Rosina, partly out of
jealousy, partly out the desire to find about that little article of
jewellery (he hasn't forgotten or forgiven her hobnobbing with
Alberich); but she revelas nothing.

A suspiciously roggy drunken shirrif arrives, demands lodging, flirts
with rosina while handing her yet another sikrit missive, burns and
trasks a bit, and generally wreaks havoc.  Eventually, the real
shirrifs arrive; but they flee in terror when Tildaviva spreads his
wigs.


Act II:  The Count appears, disguised as an elvish music master,
complete with plastic Spock ears and fake butterfy wings and antennae.
 Sam Gamgiolo is flattered that an Elf would deign to visit him, and
lets Tildaviva in.  The Count gives her a "music lesson"; Rosina,
supposedly as part of this lesson, sings a spectacular showpiece aria
outlining her revolutionary program for the overthrow of the Shire's
corrupt oligarchical regime.  Dr. Gamgiolo complains that these modern
songs are too complicated; he prefers a simple tune about Oliphaunts,
which he sings while dancing a jig (Tildaviva and ROsina aren't sure
whether to explode with laguhter or to squirm with vicarious
embarrassment, or to gag with disgust).

Figarog enters mimicking the good doctor's performance, and offers to
shave Dr. Gamgiolo's feet; their conversation is interrupted by the
sudden arrival of Don Bombadilbio, who loudly and drunkenly demands
the Ring (he had been at a limpe party and the resulting high had
given him delusions of grandeur).  Eager to get rid of the annozing
b*gg*r, everyone tells him that Gollum has it, or else Brünnhilde,
they forgot which.  DB staggers out.  During the shaving scene, the
Count reveals to Rosina the snalp to escape that very nigth. 
Unfortunately, Dr. G. overhears this, and drives Tildaviva and Figarog
out.  Then he tells Rosina that the two Rogs were only interested in
the Ring.

Dr. Gamgiolo's maid Iertha sings a longwinded little aria about how
sick she is of the Shire: too rustic, and she misses the gossip about
the Royal Family.

A short orchestral interlude represents a showstorm from Caradhras. 
Figarog and Count Tildaviva fly into Rosina's apartment through the
window, but she denounces their treachery: "Gwindoro"  is not an elf
or whatever at all, but a Balrog, and he only loves her for her
jewellery!  "NO, no!" protests Tildaviva.  "Figarog wants the Ring,
not I!  I'm a nice Rog!  I only want wogah!"  Enraged, Figarog tries
to steal the Ring, but just then Dr. Gamgiolo and Don Bombadilbio
arrive and remove figarog's disguise: he's really GOthmog, escaped
from Gondolin and living incognito in their midst. He laughs
sacrastically at the others' denunciations: he'll be bax!  Tildaviva
and Rosina fall into each other's arms, but "Figarog" predicts that
the marriage will go sour.  "But that will not be my doing.  I only
foretell."