September 21, 3018
You know, the trouble with being immortal is that I get all my ancient love affairs mixed up. What brought this to mind was the news that my Nazgűl are in the vicinity of Tom Bombadil (I think; I was never good at geography, Melkor knows), and I can't recall if the woman he stole from me was Goldberry or Youwanna. My, I had some torrid affairs in those days.
Why, Tom Bombadil and I used to be best buddies, used to go to the limpe bars together every Friday night. I even gave him voice lessons (not that it did any good). When I conquer the world, the ungrateful wretch will pay for having robbed me of my wogah!
September 22
That ingrate Saruman (or Aruman, or whatever) just flamed me. He denies that Balrogs have wings. I was going to send a pretty sharp reply (I mean, I think I know a bit more about B's), but thought better of it. As the great Orkish poet Gorbush so aptly put it:
gallivanting in thangorodrim--
dragons need mouthwash --
y'knowI gave a collection of Gorbush's poems to the Witchking as a birthday present. He didn't seem too pleased.
September 23
O sweet Melkor! Sweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet Melkor! I never had a night like that in my life!! Didn't even need the Ring! (And a lot of good those Elf Rings did Celebourbon! Nyah! nyah! nyah!) Shelob! She knows how to love me , yes indeed! WOGAH!!! My cat, I call her, though she owns me not.
Last child of Ungoliant to bless the world,
how firmly thou hast caught me in thy Web!
You know, you really are my kinda girl,
e'en better than Trollopiel the celeb!
If any hobbit use th' seducing Ring
to get some action on thy bosmed bed,
'twould fill me with a rage that ill would bring
upon thy beauteous, long-dark-hairéd head!
But nay! such louted thoughts I cast aside,
nor doubt I of thy pure arachnid heart!
For e'er enfurléd with thee, truest bride,
be I, nor ever from thy cobweb part.
For though to all the world I Master be,
yet all my pow'r availeth not sans thee.September 24
Wonder if the Nasdaq have found the Mire (or whatever it's called) yet? Sheesh, you'd think being Viceregent of Melkor, I'd have some decent atlases, ... but NO!
Last I heard, the Nasdaq were starting a singing group...
{Editor's note: Professor Hsu comments as follows:
>Last I heard, the Nasdaq were starting a singing group...That's what I heard too. In the wake of the Holbytles' breakup, the Monkees (Maglor, Daeron, Elurin, and Elured) came out of seclusion for a Reunion Tour 2000 [sic; I believe the scholar meant 3000, but had been imbibing too much lutefizz that day]. They have been opening for the Nazdaq, if memory serves.
Ojevind: You girls have kinky fantasies about SAURON?
I don't dream about Shelob that way!
Tamfiiris: You sure you haven't just forgotten that, Oje?
- TEUNC prolepsis in action, last fallSeptember 25
I feel somewhat marginalized using this Elf-and-Atalnato-centric calendar. When the war's over, I'll have to devise my own. Those elves think they're big stuff. But their seduction rings didn't do them much good, did they? Except of course for Galadriel, but I doubt she really needed it: "In quel volto e' l'Elisir." But Celebourbon didn't get much good out of HIS Ring; got ditched for Dulborn!! Ouch!
transcribed by Menelvagor the Enervator
Sauron's diary - September 26-30
