October 3, 3018
Well, Gandalf just can't stay out of trouble, can he? Interfering with my Nazdaq's mission: what's all that about? He and Aruman keep making this big thing about being emissaries of the Valar. I'm just as much an emissary as you, you stuck-up fools. And that Gandalf is a mean one. The Elves keep blabbing about Bluto and Trollopiel, but who weeps for Barbie and Ken? I suppose since Barbie was an Easterling and Ken an Orc, they're too Other for their doomed love to really count. Especially since it was Gandalf who put an end to it, by turning them into dolls and merchandising them. The Orcs still shudder and the Easterlings weep. Besides, Gandalf gets into some sicko stuff. /Phew/, to use the appropriate Old Elvish root.
At least Aruman is educable ... almost too educable, trying to make his name sound like "Sauron" by adding an "S," and then half the time forgetting he'd added it.
October 4
The war's going well. Reinforcements have come from Toreador and Cuspidor. I can't help thinking it rather unfair, though, for the Magic Kingdom to use talking woodland animals who sing "Whistle while you slay" while charging into battle... or at least, that's what my commanders are telling me. With the Leech-king (I keep getting confused; Witchking or Leech-king?) gone, it's harder to get reliable reports.
This reminds me of when, for a practical joke, I afflicted Gondor with a plague of white plastic beagles with black spots, emblazoned with the slogan, "Get Mordor: It Pays." Five or six hundred years ago, I think. What a lark!
October 5
How lovely the scenery in Shelob's valley! How the babbling brook there doth enchant me, and how the mountains uplift my heart! When I'm there, I want to sing a bel canto baritone aria. Shelob! Aaaaah! Her wogah really lights my fire! She almost makes me forget Miniwethil, the most underrated vamp of the First and Second Ages.
This tango horde I just unleashed on Gondor should be particularly effective. I sometimes think the Orcs get a little too into it ... but nay, let the lads have their fun!
My educational reforms are going quite well. Clárence plays the violin beautifully, for an Orc.
I'm not wholly sure I was right when I wrote, "Being wafts like Elbereth's perfume." Does it not rather sizzle like Mt. Viagra's flames? Speaking of which, Shelob is waiting...
October 6
I am composing an Ode to Shelob:
Shelob, lovely spider-woman,
daughter of Elysium!
I betreadeth, fire-drunken,
steamy wench, thy halidome!
Thy enchantments make me wogah,
à la mode in darkest night!
Every mensh becomes a roguë
where'er thy soft wings alight!The Nazdaq have issued the summons. I hope Baggins makes it in time ... though Eagle service has gone downhill since the halcyon days of the Second Age, when I made the Eagles run on time. On the other hand, they tell me that fiscal matters have vastly improved under the guidance of Greenspán, wisest of Valaraukor.
[The esteemed Öjevind Lång remarks:
Oh, to be a spider! To leap from mountain top to mountain top in the Ephel Dúath and just sing- sing - sing!I can only observe, rather irrelevantly: One of these days, I'll write the History of Sauron's Diary in 13 hefty volumes, with one whole volume devoted to the apparent discrepancy between Sauron's account of the loss of the Ring and El Rond's account to the Council. 129 pages of this volume will be devoted to "the Wupdidu question," as it's called in scholarly circles.]
October 12
To show my gratitude to the Nazdaq (though it was rather annoying continually getting "The Page Cannot Be Displayed" messages on my palantír), I'm granting them a long vacation. Their itinerary will begin at Minas Vegas (MInus Wages, the malcontents call it), and thence to the topless beaches of the Southron kingdom of Rîô, where they will get some much-needed "morale." The next leg will bring them to the Easterling realm of Harîm, exotic in its decadence. When they come back in a few months, I should have my new transport ready... I just haven't decided what it should be: pterodactyls? jet-propelled ATVs? Giant vampire bats? Skateboards? Balrogs? Helium balloons? Or maybe I should just borrow Gondor's monorail. Decisions, decisions, decisions ...
I think I'm feeling generous because of Shelob's hot embraces. To think just a month ago I was groping Galadriel. She kept playing the "virtuous wife" to the hilt, though if one thing's so painfully obvious even a stoned Troll would realize it, it was that Galadriel didn't marry Dullborn for the sex.
With due reverence, I don't even think Melkor, back in the palmy days when he used to hang out in Tilde Eressëa, ever had such hot love affairs as mine. Not even when he was begetting the Valaraukor with Googoliant; nor even when he and Youwanna begat the Valakiryas, the renowned fat women with horns. When Ollie found out, he was wood wroth and had them all turned into stone. When I was in Valinor to sue Oleo for breech of contract, I saw them at the Valinórean Museum of Natural History.
Conditions in Mordor are excellent at the moment. I did well in appoitning Greenspán to be the Mouth of Sauron.
[Professor Lång remarks:
I think Sauron should use balrogs; there is too much traffic in the air as it is.]October 18
Where in Utumno is Baggins?
Carl Orc's Carmina Lugburzana has proved stunningly successful ...
What annoys me is the consistency with which Melkor's greatness as a thinker is underrated. "The Philosophics of Evil: A Trajectory of Thangororodrisms" should be required reading for every philosophy department, even if it somewhat de-emphasizes the transgressivities of other-oriented Quenyas.
October 19
[This entry, regarding Sauron's relations with Shelob, is far too explicit to print here. Although not in any way subscribing to Victorian notions of prudery, and indeed lauding the collapse of Puritanism in an uproar of extreme licence, the Editor nevertheless believes that the explicitness of this entry renders it inappropriate for publishing in this venue. He apologizes for the inconvenience.]
[Professor Hsu remarks:
It takes a big TEUNC to admit hhi's tyopes.
(Wlokay, it doesn't, but I just wanted to say "hhi's" in AFT. :-))]
transcribed by Menelvagor the Enervator
Sauron's diary - November 2-28
