December 16, 3018
I worry a little that Aruman might backslide a bit. Though I don't entirely trust any Istari, Aruman seems one of the more educable of the lot. A thought just struck me. When I dethrone Gandalf, I had always planned on slaying him in some ingenious fashion. But shouldn't I try to reform him first? Melkor always used to say that everyone should be given a chance.
Shelob's jealousy is making life very difficult. For a cabaret girl, she has a bad temper. Not only that, but I'm starting to wonder if I was right in dumping her. It's true, I love all women far too deeply to be faithful to one, to the exclusion of all others. But still, as the Orc poet Zigzag put it:
-- wash the dishes --
gargantuan plastic wrap raving jibberish;-]
$But on the other hand ... hands ... my hands all over Deeanna ... arrgh!! Just so long as she doesn't say anything about anyone hiding anything.
I'm firing Gréenspan. I had no idea he was doing the Mordor peole so elvishly. We need to enact fundamental reforms.
The Nazdaq are coming back tomorrow. I can't wait to hear about their zany adventures in Harad and Rhûn. Yaqyaq is one of the most amusing racconteurs I know, and Zap always takes incredibly hilarious pictures.
Unfortunately, the jet-propelled 'Rogs aren't quite ready yet.
[Editor's note: Melkor was the greatest scholar Aman produced. It was he, indeed, who understood Eru's true intent, which was cynically distorted by the other Valar for their own ends.]
December 17
Shelob and I have decided to go for counselling to sort out our differences. The fact that Deeanna is the counsellor makes things somewhat awkward. At least it's never dull. The trouble with Deeanna Troll (apart from that constant repetition of "You're hiding something!") is that she takes an impish delight in starting flame wars.
If only I could control my lust for her. I guess this is one of the side-effects of the Ring.
As if that weren't bad enough, the right-wing 'Rogs are opposing my social-democratic reforms. Tsark 'em, I saying ...
I really needed to be amused today, so I was all the happier to listen to the Nazdaq's hilarious accounts of their shenanigans in Harad and Rhûn. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!!! ROTFL at the Leechking's dispatching of the game-fixer in Minas Vegas (poetic justice indeed -- literally!!); the chandelier incident in the Hotel Royal (still MV); the inflated doll on that topless beach in Rîô; Camille and the belly-dancer in Harîm (in Rhûn); the wine-flood in Dorwinion, with that drunk gnîw; the Coolaid incident with the Blue Wizard; the Srtiptease joint in Khand, where Yaqyaq swiped the ladies' clothes and wouldn't give them back unless they wogah'd ... the ladies didn't seem to mind ... but Shelob thought the Nazdaq were being rather oink ... hmmmm ... am I, the most enlightened ruler in Muddle-earth, a chauvinist, possibly even a sexist pig? I will have to give the matter some serious thought, after I save the world from Gandalf. Gandalf is indeed the abomination of utter evil. I will try to reform him, but I have scant hope of any success.
Imagine the world run by a disgusting pervert who got a Gentleman's C at Valinor Community College through bribing the powers-that-be, though even they were appalled by Gandalf's conduct. He was renowned for being a complete sleeze; even Ollie was repelled.
December 21
The jet-propelled 'Rogs are ready, but they need to be tested, and we'll have to draw up a new contract to make sure that they're not exploited.
Meanwhile, I hear that Frodo and company may be heading out soon, finally. Rather a mixed bag: Gandalf's evil; Aragon's treacherous; Boromir's rather a lout, but perhaps can be made to see reason?; Giggly adn Lego-lass are, I think, educable, but it'll be a tall order; Moribund's evil; Pipsqueak, my sources say, is evil, stupid, and annoying. As for my lad Frodo, I am saddened to hear that he has become a decadent rentier, but I haven't yet given up hope that he can be enlightened; Sam, the only progressive in the lot, is a force to be reckoned with. Neither of the last two has any idea …
I've got to do something about my libido. It isn't just that I'm lusting after both Shelob and Deeanna. Every scantily clad female I see (and in my line of work I see lots -- "Does she please you, Great Leader?" Gimme a break!) gets me going and going and go.. This is hard to reconcile with my enligthened philosophy of life.
Dr. Faramir's just published a blistering critique of my magnum opus, /Galadriel as Body-Metaphor: A Porno-analysis of Orco-erotics/. I wonder if he *knows* that he's the tool of the most vile tyranny that Muddle-earth has ever seen.
December 25
Gandalf's merry band is off, I hear (some of them are ery off). Fortunately, most of the members seem to dislike Gandalf even more than I do, and wd be yet more hostile if they knew ...
Gothmog was joking that the History of Muddle-earth will have to be divided according to the women I've wogahed with: the Age of Youwanna, the Age of Goldberry, the Age of Melian, the Age of Miniwethil (and Trollopiel), the Age of Shelob. I demurred that he'd left out a few thousand others. "I think you just made my point," says he. "Touché," say I.
The new workers' co-operatives are very successful.
December 28
I paid Gothmog back by reminding the 'Rog of his wife's escapades. He was not amused, but I made up for it with a volume of Gorbush's poetry.
I've placed the Nazdaq on red alert. King Kong has been seen wreaking havoc in Toreador and Cuspidor.
December 30
I'm very proud of a document I've just produced: /The Philosophical Basis for Mordorian Governance/, in which I expound the metaphysics underlying my social democratic centralized decentralizm: nothing less than the modalization of being through the trajectory of its own eros.
The war with Gondor™ has been stalemated for a while. This liberation campaign is taking too long.
I'm thinking of changing Mordor's name to the Union of Mordor Marxist Republics, but Shelob doesn't like it. She prefers MORDOR, the Mordor Organized Revolutionary Democratically Ordered Republic. I have to admit it does have a certain Ring (or will, in a few months).
Speaking of Shelob, tomorrow we head for the Ephel Dúath. In that peace and beauty perhaps we can find our inner peace.
transcribed by Menelvagor the Enervator
Sauron's diary - January 9-14
