January 9, 3019
I'm back from a lovely holiday with Shelob in the Ephel Dúath. Eru, it's so lovely there, that even without Shelob, I could just sing! sing! sing! The hills are alive with the sound of music! But with Shelob, aaaaaah!! how could I possibly have wanted to dump her for Deeanna Troll? What was I thinking?????????!!??!??? My wogah-wogah with Shelob is ONLY the second-hottest in the history of Arda (after Melkor's song-and-dance with Arien (Arienna Huphingtôn, as she's called in Westron).
If only I could get my hands on the Ring as I had them all over Shelob for days on end! How much good I could do! Everyone keeps talking abpout its seductive powers (which are, indeed, remarkable); but that does even cover a tenth of its capabilities in the right hands. Middle-earth could become like unto Aman, without the corruption and political infighting.
To tell the truth, I'm quietly proud of the Rings of Power. True greatness indeed cannot be besmirched. Talk about the silmarils (sometimes called the slipcasts)! Puuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuh-LEEEZE!!! As I recall, ever they ever did accomplished was burning people's hands off (or, in the case of Kokroach the Wolf, their stomachs). This latter is typical of Elvish cruelty to animals. SO much for Fleanor's "great achievement." (It was, in any case, really invented by Fleanor's graduate assistant, a pretty young specimen named Mary Jane.) All that fuss over some crummy trinkets. I kept telling Melkor he should let the Elves keep their baubles and cultivate true virtue and enlightenment. But he seemed to think the Elves would use the thingies to get into all kinds of mischief. He was probably right.
Fleanor was such a jerk. We went to school together briefly, because the Valar seemed to think he could handle an Ainu education .... Right. Anyway, I used to ask him to lend me correction-fluid, and he always refused. That was before he took to wearing swastikas and ranting about the Noldor being the Master Race. Puuuuuuuh-LEEEEEEEZE!!!! I mean, really!!
But I'm living in the past again, as Deeanna Troll keeps telling me not to. It's time to get back to my plans for the betterment of all Muddle-earth. After we liberate the oppressed masses of Gondor™, how glorious and benevolent shall be reign! I'm already drawing up a new constitution for Gondor™ ... but I suppose I need to concentrate on freeing it first.
Tomorrow I'm taking Shelob to see that new opera, The Marriage of Gothmog.
[Editor's note: I cannot agree with Professor Lång's remark:
Öjevind: LOL! Now we know why Sauron was so inefficient an adversary in the e-text. What a complete dork!
Eh! Watza so dorky about The Masrriage of Gothmog? Is it not one of the greatest works of the lyric stage?]
January 11
My customs officials in the Musty Mountains are reporting being beaten up by thugs. There was a certain alarm at first, but not to worry: it's only Gandalf's little band. They've been setting off alarms all over the frontier for the last few days. And they make this big thing about being sikritive! They're as clumsy as a mûmak in an Easterling bonsai garden.
You know, Fleanor's evil lives on after him. Was it not he that invented capitalism, by charging enormous gobs of CHOKLIT for the privilege of gawking at his kitsch?
I had a rather creepy experience earlier today, when Shelob said I sang even better than Melkor, and a voice said, "I forgive the blasphemy!" I seemed to see a mysterious light in the distance.
The Mordor National Assembly has proposed Homér Simpsón to be Mouth of Sauron. I have reservations...
January 12
Another glorious victory over the Gondor elites. We now have the entire right bank of Anduin. I'm having popular revolutionary councils established throughout the newly liberated territories. People are burning effigies of Isildur and Anarchion in transports of joy.
January 13
Just what I needed: yet more trouble on the libido front! At diplomatic meetings in posh resort hotels, I keep running into Galadriel and finding myself groping her. I can't keep my hands off her. Why does she insist on wearing those skimpy outfits. I'm not trying to be unfaithful to Shelob, I swear it by Melkor's sacred pajamas! I need help!!!!
Maybe it has something to do with the fact that Galadriel's the only significant female in the history of Middle-earth that I HAVEN'T had my way with? Or could it be her Phial? Naaaah! The Phial is a splendid instance of why Elves should leave this sort of thing to their betters.
I sent a strongly worded palantír-mail message to Aruman today, condemning in no uncertain terms the use of child labor. He sent me the usual prevaricating response. I'm afraid Mordor is going to have to cut its aid to Isengard if these abuses continue much longer. "Constructive engagement" is all very well, but enough is enough is enough already! How is this consistent with the exalted ideals I instilled in Aruman after curing his alcoholism?
In honor of the great bel canto Orc composer Metríc, I've invented the Metríc system. These are heady days for Mordor! One glorious achievement after another!
The only drag is that it's taking so long for the jet-propelled 'Rogs to heat up...
January 14
Gandalf and gang have entered Moira, the only important female I didn't even want to enter. She was not -- emphatically not -- to my taste. (Now if I could just get myself to stop groping Galadriel! Control! Control!)
Anyway, I hope Gulible can carry out his mission. He's committed to the Cause, of course; but he's rather, well ... gullible.
I'm going to have to send an exterminator to take care of those reeps. Even though if people ignore warning from the Health Authorities, it's really only their fault.
January 15
I still keep groping Galadriel like there was no tomorrow. I know I shouldn't, but lust and the requirements of the narrative have taken over; I can't control myself. Besides, is it *my* fault we both like to hang out in topless beaches? I ask you!
The Mystery of the Elves: Why, in Melkor's name, did Galadriel marry Dullbore?
transcribed by Menelvagor the Enervator
Sauron's diary - January 16-29
