January 16, 3019
O frabjous joy! I've declared the rest of the week a holiday, to be given over to jollification. Let the people rejoice! Let the chorus sing forth the praises of freedom! Gandalf, vilest and cruellest of oppressors, is no more!
The blight that hath degraded Muddle-earth like a dog returning to its own vomit, the cruel exactions of the poor through lottery tickets, the loathsome enslavement of Others through Gandalf's pipeweed rackets, have come to an end!
How few the obstacles that now remain to the liberation of Middle-earth! If the jet-propelled Balrogs would but call off their strike (the Nazdaq are starting to get very restless) ... But nay! Let us be generous even to these ingrates and grant all their demands, let us go even further than their demands, let us give them half the kingdom ... well, let's not get too carried away ... everything except half the Kingdom will do fine.
I've commissioned splendid festivities, including:
New operas: Silmaril d'amore, Clorinda di Gorgoroth, Il Balrogo baritono, The Balrog of Seville.
New ballets: The Dance of the Orcs, Ment Lake.
A new mega choral symphony: Enlightenment Transcending Scum.
The firework display to end all firework displays.
Giving away enormous globs of mûlâ.
And, best of all, a new theoretical work: /Joy as Self- Affirmation of Being: Gandalf Bites the Dust/.
Almost forgot: loads and loads and loads of S-E-X!!!!!!
January 17
Only one thing tempers my joy; Steinlob's back from her cruise to Paradise Island. Keeps telling Shelob that penetration is rape and that she should try something else. Puuh-LEEEEZE! Well, maybe a little work in one of these new polling booths will keep her busy and out of my hair. I admit that she has a bit of a point that my womanizing proclivities may not be totally according to Friedlob, but her piece about how the Y chromosome is the root of all evil is a bit much.
[Editor's note: Professor Hsu points out:
<cackle> *Gloria* Steinlob?! ohh, _man_, that is harsh. that is just _meen_. but still funny... lol!
btw, N. Menevagor, your officious TEUNCmusik is "Not That Lonely Yet" by Dwight Yoakam. have a listen and see why.William H. Hsu's views have met with an outburst of polemic from Professor Lång:
Were Betty Frodan and Germaine Greema also involved?]January 19
When I behold Shelob's rounded glories consumed with passion, I start to feel the essential thisness of the universe transcend the limitations of its nowness. It ceases to become, or even to is: it be ... It reminds me of Melkor's monumental work on The Transmodalities of Is: Arienna Huphingtôn's Sexuality as Metaphor for Being. I've been writing a commentary on that during my spare time from opera-going and woagah.
[Editor's note: The esteemed Lång makes the following observation:
<znompo>
Wow! LOL! Try to expand this to a full short story, and you'll get paid a tremendous sum for it by one of the leading ladies' journals.Occasionally Sauron had to write for ladies' journals while working on his dissertation. He was always ashamed of this afterwards and tried to cover it up.]
January 21
I was reminiscing today about Gandalf back when he was Olófer, in Valinor. I didn't have much to do with him in those days, since I preferred to hang out with people who had a modicum of intellect. But I recall that Olófer, though devoid of talent (he didn't even rap very well), knew how to seize an opportunity for sleaze. He moistly got by through cheating at poker, till the Two Tildes incident, which he got a lot of mileage out of through shameless lying and shilling for the Valar. The way he intimidated Youwanna into keeping silent enrages me several thousand years later. You'd think someone would find it a leetle fishy that the Valar never asked for witnesses to substantiate Gandalf's report. They even bought his explanation of why his nose was growing!
January 25
The bad news is that Gandalf wasn't really dead earlier. The good news is, now he is.
January 27
How could I have been such a fool? I just got the bill for my bash to celebrate Gandalf's kicking the bucket. There's no way we can pay it. Mordor will be impoverished, and it's all my fault! What to do???!!!! Being Dark Lord is getting to be such a headache. I wish someone would depose me. I think I'll just forget the whole thing and abandon myself to sex. The way Shelob massages me with her [CENSORED] is Woooooooooooooooo-GAH! She makes my hands itch.
Who can I ask for $??
[editor's note: Morgil claims the following as an ancient ballad dating from the middle of the Fourth Age. There has been some debate as to its authenticity.
A Letter to Deanna
Deanna my darling I´m writing to You
Cos´ your father passed away, it was a beautiful day
And I don´t want to bother You anymore
I used to hope You come back, but not anymore.
Deanna!
My eyes might have betrayed me, but I have seen
Your picture on the cover of a filthy magazine
And I think my heart just cannot handle that
Deanna my darling once such knockers had
Deanna my darling I´m writing to You
Cos´ your hubby passed away, (how much did you have to pay?)
And I didn´t mean to bother You - anyhow:
You think we could get back together somehow,
Deanna?
Your father disowed You, because You had sinned
But your hubby was worth - much more in the end
And I hope that your knockers look as good as before
If they do then my darling I´m waiting for
(You)
Little Deanna O´Trolla, Deanna my dear
How I wish my Deanna was here
Little Deanna O´Trolla decided one day
To travel away, far away
No you can´t wogah me anymore
I´m not in need to score
But it seems I cannot let you go
Deanna-Nanna-Hey-Debush!
I don´t think that I told You
I´m in need for some dinaro
But now I know someone else is holding You
So for the first time in my life
I must try and see, how could it be
Is there someone as good-looking as me?
I promise You, if you try to screw me too
I´ll settle my hash with both of you!
Deanna, Deanna I´m disappointed at You
I heard You passed away, but nothing came to my way
If I would be old and ugly too
Surely my will would be mentioning You
Little Deanna O´Trolla, oh Deanna my dear
How I wish my Deanna was here
Little Deanna O´Trolla decided one day
To travel away, far away
Morgil
(and Sonata Arctica: A Letter to Dana)Professor Hsu, on the other hand, has an even more dubious theory:
me, i think Sauron is a day trader, just as Aruman is a day traitor. after all, the guy manages the Nazdaq, nesupasu?he's acksherly doing insider trading. Shelob is feeding him preliminary earning reports from ESFT (Erusoft) and AMAN. tip off the SEC, willya?]
January 28
Well, I suppose it's a good thing.... But why did he have to demand the Ephel Dúath? This idyllic beauty, this pastoral landscape whose vista do fill one with awe, these shady bowers wherein Shelob and I performed our most delightful wogahs; must these be the prey of some vile developer?!!? Why could the mysterious cloaked figure (and I tremble even to think who he might be) not be content with property in Minas Vegas? But no!! As if out of pure spite, he has to take from me that which I love the most (after sex and opera). At the very least, I am determined that he will not get Dor Remi, the land of the five-week joint Big O.
January 29
I managed to get the cloaked guy to wait one month before taking possession -- but after that, he's threatened to develop the place in record time. Hoi polloi will come and degrade the place with their vile pollutions.
He seemede vaguely familiar; could he be Ollie, hurling -- or rather, dumping -- one more insult after his parting shot that my dissertation "had no thesis"? Wherever the Valar go, they spread commercialism, exploitation, and bourgeois decadence. Speaking of decadence, Frodo is my only hope, now -- gag me! He will have to be thoroughly civilized before he is worthy.
Civilization, indeed, is what I aim at: Orc civilization in general, and Mordorian civilization in particular, will redeem Muddle-earth of Elvish and Gondorian pollution ...
[As Morgil aptly pointed out in the /Middle Earth Studies Review/:
And it´s not hard to guess who gets the blame! Like the great Fleanor once said: "Only madness of mine was to compete with Propaganda Machine of that magnitude."Yes... of course, the powers-that-be have censored Fleanor the Wanker's memoires...]
transcribed by Menelvagor the Enervator
Sauron's diary - February 1-14
