Sunday, February 15, 3019
[This entry is clearly an interpolation. In the first place, Frodo and Sam were nowhere near the Ephel Dúath at the time; they were approaching Sarn Eisner. In the second place, Sauron wouldn't have called Frodo a Northwestern rat for reasons that will be clear to anyone who has read the "Shelob's Nightclub" chapter of the e-text. Possibly the reference could be to Gullible, or Saddam, or Sam I am, or whatever the blazes we're calling him (catually, we;'re calling her Spiegel, and him Don Giovanni). But I think someone did a little creative research here. The error "Mondor" for "Mordor" suggests that the forger may have been a Teenaged Mutant Ninja Turtle.]
I hear rumors that some breed of North-Western rat has been seen in the vicinity of the "Ephel Dúath" or Fershcluggener Internet as I prefer to call it. Damn Elves keep subalternizing the other with their Sindarin names. But at the moment I'm more concerned with Gondorian imperialism. Especially since the Orcs are getting into clandestine Gondor-style rock-bands ... I wonder when Bograt's report will come in. We need more discipline; Mondor is getting positively Elvish lately.
Monday, February 16
Took a walk today by the murmuring brook, and couldn't help thinking about Melian. To think that she spurned me for one of those "Children of Ilúvatar" lowlifes. How could she resist my poetry? I sang the song I used to sing her:
As a Balrog in heat flappeth its wings,
so doth my heart,and know'th no calm.
For thee I would give up my Magic Rings,
for unto my soul's ghâsh thou givest balm.To think that soon the pristine beauty of the Ephel Dúath will be replaced by the anomination of so-called development, and I -- Viceregent of Melkor -- can't do a mandosed thing about it.
Shelob, needless to say, was a little jealous when she heard me singing the Melian song. Puuuh-LEEZE! That's been over millennia ago!
But this is no time for mooning. The rebels are getting more presumptuous every day. Should they gain the Ring, all civilization will go down the drain. Aragon and the Elves would abolish flush toilets. This cannot be allowed to happen.
February 20
My agents brought me news of some sick goings-on between Aragorn and Arwen. Not that I really wanted to know about it; I find this sort of thing quite distasteful. What do elven-maidens see in mortal guys, anyway. Bestiality, I call it. Yuck!!!!!! I could never figure Trollopiel out, either. I'll never forget our brief amour. I was hungry like wolf! We were breathing in each other's faces ... And naturally, Melkor bought my report about how she forced me to give up that fortress. There was nothing I wouldn't have done ... But she went for some disgusting mortal thingy (at least it was a baritone, though). Well, I may get myself an Elfmaiden yet. The war's going well, and my glorious and noble quest to improve the restrooms in the Magic Kingdom will triumph.
February 21
Well, the Felonship has split up ... This is a perfect example of how badly the West needs my benevolent tutelage. They can't even carry out their own evil plans efficiently.
My only concern now is with Boromir(TM) and Sam. The rest should be manageable enough ... It's pleasant to think how soon Civilization will triumph. The first thing I'll do on capturing Minas Tirith [or whatever the blazes we're calling it] is have an opera house built.
I can't stand those conquerors who start their reigns with massacres and reprisals. That is so antiquated.
February 22
Gandalf just published what purports to be a new philosophical work, /Being and Non-being/. The contrast is rather trite, no? The book reads like a first-grader's attempt at metaphysics, without the freshness and innocence. Even Aruman, however annoying he may be (possibly even hypocritical), at least made a solid contribution in his /Applied Ethics of Being: The Ring Question/. (Gandalf, I suspect, is rather allergic to ethics.) Of course, my own /Aesthetics of Being: A Dialogistic Approach to Orkish Artistic Achievement/ is vastly superior to either.
[Editor's note: Professor Hsu and I had t he following exchange, which shows how much work remains to be done towards the end of exposing the truth concerning the "Valar."
Hsu:
<sneepah>
I thought AU was not a Ph.D.-granting university.As I recall, it wasn't *accredited* because the Valar didn't want any alternative perspectives legitimated institutionally; but Melkor gave degrees anyway, and told the Valar what they could do to themselves. That really ticked the Valar off. During the War of Wrath, they razed Angband University to the ground and wrote lots of disgusting graffiti on the rubble.
Hsu: Who did Sauron get as his committee? Was Miniwethil one of the members? I have to say, that's pretty much a conflinct of interest (wlokay, maybe HER interest wasn't conflicted, mais, *you know* what I mean)!
Melkor, Ungallant and Gothmog were the committee members. Miniwethil was a fellow graduate student. One night she and Sauron were up late studying Derrida; they got sick of that and got drunk on fermented bat's blood; and the rest is history.
Hsu: you might check in the Diary whether Sauron addressed the issue of his attempted transfer back to U. Aman, Taniquetil - he even tried to get one of his frat pledges, Youngwe, to get him bax in!
After the end of the First Age, Sauron asked the Valar to accept his degree from AU as valid, but they refused, because the Incorruptible (as he sometimes called himself) didn't offer them a high enough bribe. This embittered Sauron somewhat. If the Valar had only recognized Sauron's degree, the further history of Muddle-earth would have been very different.
February 23
Weeeeell, the sale took effect today. The Ephel Dúath are lost. Not only that, but the new buyer seems to have ruined the place in record time. I'm miffed, because I loved the ED, and yet the environmentalists put all the blame on me! It isn't as though I WANTED to ruin the place. Maybe Ralphpat should try running the country and see if it's as easy to be a Dark Lord as it is to carp at one.
Fortunately, we managed to keep Dor Remi, where Shelob and I had our WREALLY hot wogahs; in fact, I'm going to have an Opera House- cum-Concert Hall built there.
February 24
Frodo and Sam are on the way, finally. Monorail schmonorail, I saying. Give me a Balrog any day. Now I'll finally get that blasted Ring back and civilize the world with it. I hope Frodo will be sensible and realize it's much more in his interests to aid my benevolent project than not to. Not too mention that blood is thicker and all that …
[The following exchange is almost totally irrelevant:
(Tamf Moo) wrote:
>Öjevind Lång made ripples in the great maelstrom of the net:
>
>>Oh, my God! Sauron is a modern intellectual! The beast really must die.
>
> soon as i heard mention of his opera fascination, i knew he was a Doomed
> man^Hia.What's ^Hia?:-]
I'm sure the armies of the West will have a grand time vandalizing the Barad-dûr opera house and putting the singers to the sword ... especially the soprani and overpaid tenors (the baritones won't be so easy).
(William H. Hsu) wrote:
<zneep>
but i think the telltale signs were there even before the First Age.
i mean, what's the first rule of grad school?
you do *not* get your advisor mad, wright?
then you had his lille manifesto phase.
it was downhill from there, je crois.The warning sign is that he joined a Ph.D. program in the first place. He should have taken an MBA ... but no! he had to get innerlectional! That's what sealed his fate.
Sauron fell through the force of the job market in the humanities?
In Mordor, ^H was, until recently, banned from all printed works... As Sauron pointed out in an e-mail, "I'm all in favor of free speech, so long as it adulates me and disses the Elves; but some things are beyond the pale."]
February 27
Well, Aragon and Co. have met up with the New, but hardly Improved (except in terms of body fat) Gandalf. Gandalf's so good at playing dead, he even fooled me. The drag is that now I have to put up with his idiotic e-mail messages, complete with preparatory school humour. I get an itchy delete button reading his sutff, but I can't delete because every now and then he actually has some halfway useful information.
Don't you hate traitors? Sure, they're useful, but ... Gandalf doesn't seem to understand that the goal is to extend the benefits of civilization to the world, not, as he likes to put it, "*** those stupid ****'s." And I have a suspicion that he's not entirely on the level with me, either. True, I haven't found any incriminating links to the drug cartels yet; but it doesn't take a Ringlord to smell a rat.
On a more cheerful note, Shelob and I went sledding in the ski resorts in the relatively unspoiled part of the Ephel Dúath. It was fun. We took my mithril toboggan up to the top of the highest mountain in the range, and pushed! We had a grand old time, shouting "Whhhhoooooooo-EEEEEE!" and singing "Rings from hell."
February 30
I gotta hand it to Gandalf. His brainwashing skills are something else. He succeeded much more rapidly with HeyHoDen than I ever could have, because for him it is sufficient that the brainwashee be under his control; whereas I want to *educate* and enlighten, not merely control.
Speaking of which, my translation of my greatest works into Westron is almost complete. All that's left is my great study of the /Porno-Ethics of Existentiality/. I'd better finish that before Frodo arrives in Mordor.
I'm a little sorry for that dotard Aruman; Gandalf isn't exactly playing cricket. But that's how things have to be done. When I vanquish Aruman and re-educate him, I'll make it up to him by giving him a Kindergarten teaching certificate or something. As for Gandalf, he'll get exactly what he deserves.
I remember for a short time Gandalf had a talk show in Valinor. (Of course, we called him Olófer back then.) It was so appalling that even the Valar banned it.
transcribed by Menelvagor the Enervator
Sauron's diary - March 1-6
