March 1, 3019
Too bad about Aruman. He should have answered my e-mail. I just hope Gandalf doesn't get carried away...
March 2
Clarénce, Whiplásh, and Midorí gave a lovely performance of Lugbúrz von Beethoven's Trio for Piano, Violin, and Mithril Accordeon. Shelob was delighted at it. That, and the pâté de toads fricassée I served her.
March 3
Well, today was an odd day. Gandalf sent me a message saying he was going to "deal with that Aruman bum for once and for all," only he put it rather more saltily. I tried e-mailing him back telling him to send Aruman to me, as I knew better than he what to do with the guy. Gandalf's judgement was never very good, even when he wasn't on some decadent Western hallucinogen. But I got so many damned error messages on the palantír, that I have no idea whether the message went through or not.
Later, as I was playing Risk with Vader (incredibly annoying and intolerably familiar, but, as Gorbush so aptly put it:
a lot o
f gibberis
h),I got an e-mail message. Thinking it might be Gandalf, I opened it up and asked why the blazes he had waited so long in getting back to me.
Then I heard a squeaky voice saying, "This is a prank call; hee heee heee!"
I asked, "Who the Utumno are you, mortal."
He uttered a few infantile scatologies before I figured out that this was my first encounter (at least, since my brief foray into the hobbit-lass territory, an experiment I didn't care to repeat) with the halfwits or hobbits. Based on our conversation, I am beginning to doubt whether my plan was really a good one; are hobbits truly worthy ...? Still, as Ralphpat wrote,
never mind nayways
me no give a hoodabout
dat.I told him to give my message to Gandalf, and then the images on the palantír screen became so disgusting, I had to turn the thing off. Now I realize more than ever how much the West needs to receive the benefits of Civilization. The Winged Balrog's Burden is a very real one.
Speaking of which, I finally got those Winged Balrogs ready for the Nazdaq. I feel sorry for them; everyone seems to have completely forgotten that they exist ...
March 4
Today is turning out to be an incredibly annoying day. I am trying to write my great work on the Metaphysics of the Big O, but I keep getting interrupted by annoying politcal and military stuff. "O Great Leader, the troops have just liberated another Gondor (tm) village. What should we do with the Isildur(tm) kitsch?" "O Great Leader, Deeanna Troll is a dangerous dissident!" Whatever!!! Oh no, there goes my cell-palantír again ... *sigh*
March 4 (cont.)
Weell, that was interesting; Melkor just removed me from time and space... When I returned, I found a message from those annoying campus security slobs: "Some, like, kinda weird lookig dudes and their hô were like hanging out in front of the back gate. One of the guys looked like some Gondor(tm) dude with a couple of shrimpy hosses. Hô looked thin, but kinda hot. Looked like they were trying to sneak into the country on some kinda secret mission type thing. The big Gondor (tm) guy freaked out for some reason and started running towards us, so we like nabbed him and locked him up in the conservatory and treated him to the Kharmen overture."
Idiots! Do you think I care about such minutiae? I'm trying to write my great work about the Metaphysics of the Big O... "Should we kill him or hold him for ransom?" Hmmmm ... the treasury has been rather low lately, since Gandalf's obsequies. Think ransom is the way to go. I'll have the Nazdaq check him out, to see if he's important; maybe instead of ransom, we might persuade him of the rightness of our cause. I'll have Zap take his picture for identification purposes. Try to find out his tastes in music, sort of thing ... "Wahdabout the shrimp dudes?" Sigh! Am I going to have to revamp the Mordor educational system *again*? But I'm not worried about the "shrimp dudes"; soner or later I'll have the pleasure of meeting their acquaintances and telling them [illegible due to damage from hobbit-saliva] Mordor will welcome them with open arms.Maybe I should get the Nazdq to retrain campus security. True, my enemies are a bunch of no-hopers almost as dangerous as a Minas Goofy phosphorescent firefly grub -- but Shelob says it's always best to stay on the safe side. Perhaps if my scientists cd invent a stronger form of caffeine; this will give the Balrog Centre for Experimental Research something to do, now that the jet-propelled 'Rogs are finally up and running.
March 5
I just discovered the identity of the developer to whom I sold the Ephel Dúath: None other than Google, the vilest and most loathsome of evils. *sigh*; when will these hassles ever end? AllI ever wanted to do was be a benevolent ruler and enjoy the finer things of life while caring for the great unwashed yearning to breathe free. What did I ever do to deserve THIS?
Renaming the ED the Ephel Dúwap was really Saurtre's idea, nayways. Said it was unfair only to cater to classical music. I was always too nice to Saurtre...
Enough of that. When Shelob rubs those corrugated thingies on the backs of my hands against her [the following words are illegible due to some kind of stain] really lights my wogah. I think next time I might experiment with taking on the form of a spider and see what that's like. I haven't taken on an animal form in donkey's years -- not since my stint as General Woundwort, as a matter of fact.
The Orcs say they'll send over the new guy when they're done hazing them. I suppose I could play mean and seize him from their late adolescent grasp, but why bother? I'll wait a few days. It isn't as though he were capable of withstanding my might or anything. Think it's about time to take Shelob to see Uglucco/; what a lovely chorus in Act III!
March 6
Taking a break to write this diary while I munch on some broccoli. Perhaps it was a good thing – however reprehensible -- that Gandalf killed Aruman; the pestilent evil of TV MUST at all costs be prevented from existing.
I hear that students' disobedience to the anti-pet rules is getting out of hand. I'm against the death penalty as a rule; nevertheless, the Leech-king does have a point.
The situation in the conservatories has improved since I had Maglor expelled. Granted that his song was pretty good by pop standards. However, for a professor of music to have exactly one popular song in his repertory is pretty sad. That, and his annoying fixation on the slipcasts, or Silmarils, or silverfish, or whatever the blazes they were called. We won; you lost: get the Utumno over it already. And let's face it -- the smelmarills weren't exactly the bee's knees nayways. They were mostly a cheap tourist-gouging scam. Fleanor [Black Speech for Feenamint] botched it: that is the truth. Or rather, his sweatshop laborers botched it. The Eldar keep rather a tight lid over their dubious past and its many louche aspects, such as their treatment of the Avari, their killing each other off over a bunch of flimsy tinkertoy "boats," etc. Amazing that the other peoples in the Wild West are so slow they actually buy the Elvish holier-than-thou act. Puuuuh-LLEEEZE!!!!! Their reverence for Elvish "sweetness and light" is so quaint.
Luckily, Melkor was able to deliver several of the Avari, and they have made a glorious progress as Orcs (although ... there are times when one wishes their progress were even more glorious). Under our guidance, they have flourished and attained glorious artistic achievements, like bel canto and soft porn. To say nothing of flush toilets.
My attempts at increasing the diversity of the Mordor educational system by introducing Elves (the few who weren't too racist to attend) have not been an unqualified success. Bringing in Maglor was a bad idea; I'm afraid I sumply took on faith the statement that he was a "mighty singer" when I gave him tenure. Jean-Daeron Rampal, on the other hand, has been much more satisfactory. He plays the flute solo in Lustianne di Lammermoor remarkably well, for an Elf. Which reminds me: it's almost time to take Shelob to see Don Camlost. And then ...! She promised to make me broccoli tonight! I I love it! ALmost as much as the other "b" thing she also has in abundance!
[Censored]
PS. Frodo's incompetence almost makes me ashamed. Well, maybe I need to cut him some slack, given that he was skewered a bit by that pitiful Gondor™ knaveling. Still ... it's not THAT difficult to get into Mordor -- and he has a document *written in my own hand* giving him an estate in Núrnenshire, so it isn't as though anyone were going to interfere with him. But ... Melkor said everyone should be given a chance, and as Ralphpat so eloquently wrote:
Pick up your toys
NOW
don't be a brat[The learned Raven observes:
...as the new owner of that estate, yes. Except that Aruman is dead, and so Sauron gets to keep the estate, unless he writes the document again. Stay tuned for further releases of Sauron's Diary.True; but Sauron isn't necessarily the most efficient Dread Master of Evil that ever lived... (which doesn't necessarily mean I'd want to be caught cheating in a game of poker with him...)]
transcribed by Menelvagor the Enervator
Sauron's diary - March 7-16
