March 7, 3019
I'm going to have to write this entry in installments. What a greast performance of Don Camlost! Especially the Radagasto and the Princess Lugbuloi.
No one ever tells me anything! Or maybe it's just that the palantir has been appallingly slow. Who knew that there was a major campaign of narco-terrorism going on, funded by foreign powers? (If I could only find out who's behind it; but I have my suspicions ...) I only hope that Frodo doesn't get stuck there. So much responsibility! Being a ruler was bad enough, without this ... And Shelob just pointed out: what if something happened to those documents? I'll just have to have a probable description sent to all security personnel at once. No more playing around: This Morgai situtation is beyond a joke! Baaah!! All this responsibility is so tiring. I was meant for a life of intellectual exploration and sybaritic self-indulgence: not this!
I've sent the Leechking to look into the Morgai mess. He keeps whining that he has to do everything. Look here, amigo: numero uno, I just gave you a reaally long vacation in Rhun and Harad, and you've have next to nothing to do since you got back -- in fact, face it, you have a cushy job. And numero dos: I'm Sauron, buddy. I gave you your Ring. Now get out there and do something useful!
Outlook Exporer stinks.
Nearly forgot to mention that Maglor stole that song from Daeron and Glorfinkel. For Elves, they had talent.
I must say, the financial situation is greatly improving thanks to Shelob's Nightclub. A little undignified, perhaps, but it rakes in the flokarinos, and we need flokarinos. What a drag we have to waste them all on this idiotic campaign against the narco-terrorists! This is Gandalf's doing, I have no doubt. He thinks he's very clever and that I don't see. Istaracci, vil razza dannata!
[Tildy struff about lovemaking with Shelob deleted.]
[At this stage my researches reached a crisis. I issued the following note in the /Jounral of Third Age Studies/:
Alack! It appears that nothing more survives of Sauron's Diary!
The remaining pages were first used by Sam and Frodo to wrap twinkies, then ripped into shreds for a lark by Pipsuqeak, then used as horse-litter for Gandlaf's beloved horse, Twentieth-century Fox, then accidentally smoked by Aragon, then their charred remains got lost in a temporal matrix and ended up in a number of separate quanmtum realities, then Eru annihilated what was left.
Either that, or, as Professor Lång implies, they were put on a packet steamer to Aman, where they were buried in the Halls of Mandos and still have not returned to the lands of the living. Or else Fredegar Badger devoured them in a feeding frenzy. What are we going to do? This is a disaster!
Professor Lång rather irrelevantly observes:
Didn't Sauron have a daughter called Sharon? Also known as "the Fallen Madonna with the Big Boobies"?That wdn't surprise me. She wd have gotten the "boobies" (as they're called in Black Speech) from Shelob.
I nearly forgot to mention that when the fragments arrived in Aman, the Hound of Valinor ate them -- except for this fragment:
"Melkor appeared to me in a vision and said, 'I am well pleased with your writings on the Metaphysics of the Big O, Sauron.' i answered, 'Wow! Think I'll finally get tenure?' But before Melkor could answered, a muscular arm grabbed him and a voice I remeber all too well, said, 'Watcha doon outa jail, Melky? Back ta prison witchoo! Har, har, h..." My research has uncovered no more at present.
Tamf Moo, on the other hand, made the following laugable contribution to the debate:
no, no, that is not what happened to Sauron's Diary. it was rescued by the eagles and flown to a nest in the mountains, where it hatched into a beautiful four-legged baby girl. poor Sharo never felt quite at home with the big birds. for once, she didn't have wings, so that many a mountainside would take its ruin from her tumbling down it. And she never really got into the hunting, either. What she would really like to do was sitting at home embroidering banners.Then, one days as she was sitting aimlessly around on a mountain peak, she spotted something curious, gnawing away at the roots of the earth. Intrigued, she tossed herself down to see what it was. Ignoring some minore bruises, she strolled over to the chewer. "Hi, I'm Sharon. What are you?" she wondered. The creature spat out some earth and replied. "I am but a Balrog who has fallen upon hard times, mylady." Sharon felt sorry for the poor semi-devil and took him with her to the eagle's nest. Once up, the Balrog admired the view, got overcome with the height, exclaimed a "Woaah!" and fell. Sharon, in despair, went to Crack of Doom and soon became dissolved in junkie hell. And that was the end of Sauron's Diary.
<snip a sad, sad story -- but is it canonical? What do the experts say?> Except, of course, for a small fragment that was rescued from the betoothed maw of the Hound of Valinor...
March 9, continued:
I'm sick of these diiotic drug problems. It's bad enough that the West seems to think about nothing but drugs; but now they're trying to introduce their despicable habits into Mordor's green and pleasant land (weel, pleasant, nayways). Who needs that sutff? Only unimaginative, undersexed morons who aren't addicted to the only things really worth being addicted to: sex and opera! If only Arwen could get over her didiotic prejudices, she'd realize the only hope for freeing the West from this scourge is aiding my quest for world domination. Drungs are, let's face it, boring! Boring, boring, boring, boring!
I hope Frodo and Co. make it here before they become completely corrupted. Bah, I despise those imbecile scumbags (not Frodo and Sam, those other losers)! That usurper Aragon; Isildur's heir my ... never mind what!
March 10
Either yesterday was an abnormally long day, or I'm caught up in a really weird time warp. I know the Maiar don't experience time in the same way as the Children of Ilúvatar (thank Meljor for that, nayways); but this is ridiculous. Maybe I'm just getting my dates messed up. Damn this Elvencentric calendar anyway...
Dealing with this Morgai crud has barely left three hours to wogah with Shelob. I'm so used to woagahing her for weeks on end that that this short but sweet business strikes me as rather quick and dirty. Ruling the world gets to be a headache ...
I wonder if I should just go to the Morgai and crush the narco-terrorists with my dreaded Sarcasm... Naaah; let the Nazdaq earn their Rings. They've done nothing for months. Yesterday they claimed they were getting a haircut. Long haircut. Deeanna Troll says they're hiding something, but probably nothing but good old-fashioned laziness. This isn't the Second Age anymore; things have gone downhill. Luckily, though, I can't see how these narcdo-terrorists can hold out much longer if what I hear is true: infighting and defections. Divide and conquer. Not all narco-terrorists are equally into it.
Mainly I'm worried about the safety of Frodo and Co. If they don't make it ... Good heavens; I haven't even met the kid and already I'm getting protective. Spiegel too; if she had an inkling ...! Does she still have the Dress, I wonder?
As I've always said, those Slipcast thingies were a seriously botched job; leave that sort of thing to the Maiar, who know how to do it right!
I need to get the Orcs to work cleaning up Ethelien. Nix drugs!
March 11
I'm really sorry about Dr. Faramir; my heart bleeds to think of the perversion of so much potential by Gondor(tm)'s predatory educational finance system and by racist anti-Orc indoctrination. I just hope Frodo and Co. don't pick up too much of the Gondorian tobacco-chewing Weltanschauung before they come to Lugburz. True, Dr. F. is rather forward-looking by Gondor(tm) standards; but some re-education would do him good.
I try to broad-minded, but Gandalf's genetic experiments were on the sick side. One reason I broke up with Mini was her experiments by which she became the ancestress of the hobbits and their close kin, the Rabbits of Eyesore and the Bobbits of Northern Smirkwood. That, and the sicko stuff she was doing with isildur. And to think we never did get around to laundering that dress. Shelob keeps nagging me about it. "Vat eez she goink to vearrr?" We'll think of something, I keep telling her...
March 12
Dr. Faramir deeply disappoints me. I can forgive his drug-dealing. When I was a post-doc, circumstrances sometimes required my doing stuff I didn't much like, in order to support myself -- for example, procuring ice-gnome maidens for Melkor. But these disgusting experiments are getting a bit too Mini for my tastes. Dr. F got ruined by Gondor(tm)'s brutal education system, if we can call it that. It's much-vaunted "natural science" is nothing but a form of learned ignorance, half-forgotten relics of the wisdon of Mordor, perverted by Gondor(tm)'s narco-imperialistic military-industrial complex. As Nienna so aptly pointed out: "Moo!"
March 13
It's written very clearly in all the chronologies that Frodo arrives at Shelob's Nightclub today, March 13. SO where the blue bloody blazes is he? Strapped to a table in one of Dr. Faramir's sinister laboratories? Caught in traffic? Lost in space? I even declared today a holiday; but now, as Shelob pointed out, I look pretty silly. Sure, everyone's very respectful to my face ... Who wouldn't be? But behind my back ...
One or two well-aimed lightning bolts seem to have intimidated the narco-terrorists, at least for the moment. But the only way of dealing with this problem is to do to the source. My aim is no longer solely, or even principally, to liberate Gondor and civilize it, as was previously the case. No; our fight here is a fight for survival.
I think the Nazdaq singing tour may have helped somewhat. But the drag is that with all my preparations to liberate Gondor, I've barely managed four and a half hours of wogah with Shelob. Too bad, because I've been hoping to try out some new techniques.
March 14
You'd think being a Dark Lord would entitle you to some privacy, but NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!! It seems the tabloids have plastered their front pages with pictures of my latest techniques. It goes without saying that everyone involved with that rag will wish to Eru that they hadn't annoyed me.
The Nazdaq report a disgusting sight. Frodo is really going to have to undergo some serious moral reform when he gets to Mordor. Maybe this was a bad idea ... But if we could just get rid of that beastly elf-trinket, perhaps Frodo will turn out OK after all. I hope so.
Maybe if Gondor(tm) had been willing to unite with Mordor in friendship instead of succumbing to blind hatred, their architecture wouldn't stink. Oft does hatred hurt itself, as I always say.
[Editor's Note: The last paragraph is dubious. Another possible reading is:
"Sweet Melkor! I need more ketchup! It adds so much to the Shelob experience. She's a whopper; no question about it."]
Öjevind adds: "But never mind about the Balrog Wings. They have no substance."
transcribed by Menelvagor the Enervator
Sauron's diary - March 16-20
