March 16
Wow! The last day or two around here has been busy, to say the least!
Frodo finally showed up. I have to say, I'm rather disappointed. Not only decadent and without moral fibre, but rather ugly as well. And stupid: I've never understood the idiotic Western practice of keeping one's most valuable possessions in one's back pocket; but keeping the Ring of Power there is about the limit! Well, he will begin his moral and intellectual training forthwith. While that's going on, regaining the Ring is top priority. It MUST NOT be allowed near Mt. Viagra. Now Gandalf's backstabbing plans have become only too clear.
Meanwhile, Shelob keeps nagging me about how her darlink daughter (not strictly speaking her daughter, of course, but I saw no point in getting into that very knotty question under the circumstances), who was such an interestink character and had so much potential as a heroine (and Melkor knows, we need heroines) is now ze veecteem off an imprrobable plot devicze. It's her own fault, of course, leaving her transporter technology lying around where where any amateur engineering whiz can get at it and wreak havoc. She won't be making that mistake again! Would if they'd use the technology to transport to Mt. Viagra and seal Gandalf's triumph? Stupid, stupid, stupid!!!
I guess we trusted the Don too much. Hey, Gorbush vouched for him; and now Gorbush is paying the price. I think I'll have to send him out on border patrol or something -- maybe even to the front -- because his blubbering is starting to annoy me. I'm trying to be sympathetic, though my main concern is that my plans for Rivendell are going right down the cloaca. I have to admit, however, that Gorbush's grief has led to some very fine poetry, like:
watah come to me eye
wogah gone gone gone gone gone
boo hoo!and:
plot contrivance stole my heart
empty as plotician mind
plenty of nothing.To say nothing of this seering meditation on a friend's betrayal:
Gullible was i gulled: by Gu-
lible morals like stinking pluto-
crat yes i" said crat so sue me.And people have the effrontery to claim that Mordor doesn't have high culture.
But enough meta-stuff! I have more immediate concerns. I believe the Dress, properly remodualted through transporter technology (perhaps I can get Jordí Lafórj on the case) and cleaned in Lake Núrnenshire, can re-separate Gulible and Spiegel -- if I can a hold of the damn thing. As for Gulible, that rapist will *not* be put in charge of the Shire; I eman to turn up my sarcasm to full advantage.
I'm also worried about "Lenindil": where is he, is he still loyal, or at least, does he still understand that his interests councide with mine? if he turns against me, then we will deserve the servitude to which the "goodguys" will reduce him.
My defeat of the narcoterrorists is scant consolation for the reverses I've suffered; there are a many-headed hydra, and can always arise again. (Besides, we only killed one of the leaders). Gotta go; Frodo's whining about the room temperature again (sigh!)
[Ahem! I appear to be experiencing a certain degree of academic embarrassment.
The last entry is nothing but a very clever forgery, which even took me (with my twenty or so awards from the Mordor Studies Association) in. What tipped me off were certain stylistic points involving the use of the aorist subjunctive in Black Speech). A forensic analysis of the ink confirmed that this fraud was perpetrated at Rivendell.
The genuine entry, which I found as a palimpsest in a shopping bag in the Mall of Gorgoroth, follows below:]
March 16, 3019
Well, the last couple of days have been busy to say the least. The hobbits turning up, and [a large section of the text, which would have revealed whether Sauron is telling the truth in IV.12 of the e-text, is missing; we regret teh inconvenience].
Well, at least Frodo has shown resourcefulness in getting back to Mordor, but I have to confess that I am somewhat disappointed that he didn't get the Ring, and that he appears to be rather flabby and obnoxious. And his endless whining about his estate is starting to annoy me. Does he think I just became Lord of Mordor etc. automatically? I worked hard for my Ph.D. before graduating on to Assistant Creep to Melkor. He will have to receive an extremely strict moral, physical and intellectual trainijng, if he is to be worthy. Meanwhile, getting the Ring is a top priority, which I've entrusted to Internal Sekuritet. It must NOT be allowed into Mt. Viagra; Gandalf must be stopped.
I would have entrusted it to the Leech-king, except that his attempts at "La donn'è mobile" are driving me nuts. The number is rather pop at best, but it helps to have something resemblkinb [yes, that's what Sauron wrote; love it or leave it] pitch. I couldn't take any more, so I sent him off to the front. The Gondor(tm) war couldn't have come at a better time for my sanity.
Things seem to be going well in the Spiegel department, and she and Gorbush are planning a wedding to write home about. Spiegel strikes me as a little naive, however. She doesn't seem to realize that in realpolitik, one sometimes has to do things one would rather not, like wreak vengeful destruction upon one's foes before magnanimously building opera houses for them.
Boromir(tm) has finally been dealt with. Regrettable, as I would have liked to educate him for the role of puppet; but this most recent interference is intolerable.
I wonder what happened to Lenindil?
[In addition to this entry, part of one of Frodo's daily schedules has turned up, giving a fascinating insight -- if it be genuine, which remains to be determined -- into his stay in Mordor.]
Monday 5:30 a.m.: Rise. 5:45 a.m.: Read /The Aesthetics of Being: A Dialogistic Approach to Orkish Artistic Achievements/, pp. 1-39. 6:15: Swim. 7:00: Breakfast. 7:45: Quiz on the Aesthetics of Being. 8:15: First Conversation with Sauron. 9:00: Recreation. 9:30: Study Black Speech (Intensive). 11:30: Lunch. 12:15 p.m.: Fencing. 1:30 p.m.: Religious Instruction. 3:00: Complete Rest -- in the Dark. 4:00: Voice Lessons. 5:00: Read /The Philosophical Basis for Mordorian Governance/, pp. 1-112. 6:00: Dinner. 7:00: Quiz on /The Philosophical Basis/. 7:45: Evening Religious Service. 9:00: Second Conversation with Sauron. 10:00: Bed.For soem reason, Google won't let me follow up on my "Sauron's Diary Strikes Bax!" thread, so I have to start a gnu thread. Bit of a drag.
The following diary entry was found implanted in my DNA:
March 18
Leechy may have lived as an incompetent fool; but he has died a glorious death, in defense of academic freedom. Yaqyaq says that his last thought, as he lay dying, was to ensure that his audience understood the concept of "strategic elegance" before he expired.
And what an all-around likable guy he was! Admittedly he didn't amount to much before I gave him that ring and made him into the Leechking, more out of pity than for any other reason. He was skinny, pimply, had halitosis, wore thick, dark glasses, and stuttered. Even the prostitutes charged him extra for their services. After I gave him the ring, Jadis Joplin herself was slobbering over him, and later Gueniviere succumbed to the Nameless Tenor's advances.
He couldn't sing to save his life; but what he lacked in technique, he made up for in sheer gusto. Likewise, he had no head for theory, but it wasn't for lack of enthusiasm. "Wow!" he used to say. "This stuff about metabeing is really excellent! Too bad I don't understand any of it!"
His chief failing was that he never cared for poetry. But he had exquisite tastes in food and drink. His judgement of a vintage of fermented bat's blood could be trusted implicitly.
Shelob is quite broken up about it.
Gorbush has consoled us with a moving elegy:
Imparting knowledge like fine champagne
in dryness there is wisdom
he coughed it.The Nazdaq also report HeyHoDen's death. Who the blazes is that? Ah, I've just got a fuller report ... So what? I'm more interested in the buck-toothed Wupdidu look-alike, complete with gawrsh ... Bah, the very thought gives me a headache.
March 20
Gandalf gets a little wholesale sometimes. Surely he didn't have to stab all those people and *then* burn them? His murder techniques are too messy for my tastes nazwaz.
If Gandalf's criminal career doesn't catch up with him, his messiness will. Either way, he'll get his just deserts.
Not that the death fo Denethor(tm) doesn't play into my hands. Speaking of which, I spent most of the day giving Shelob a mega-wogah.
I suppose I should give soem thought to replacing the Leechking ... For the moment, I'll just let #2 take over; but eventually, I'll be needing a gnu Ring ricipient ... Frodo the Nazdaq? Hmmmm ... dunno ... Maybe Pipsqueak.
transcribed by Menelvagor the Enervator
Sauron's diary - March 22-19
