March 22, 3019
Well, news certainly travels fast these days. Just got a message from Yaqyaq that he'd spoken to several Orcs disguised as Ments disguised as Ents disguised as Sockpuppets dsigused as Movie Stars had heard on the grapevine that Gandalf and Aragon are really botching things up, big time. (The Grapevine's accent was soemwhat hard to place, kind of Irish-Cockney-Liverpool(*) with a little Scots(*) thrown in.) If that's the best leadership Gondor(tm) has, i doubt the country will even have the /kohones/ to surrender. Thank Melkor I'm not stupid enoguh to put all my trust in Gandalf. (One doesn't become Dark Lord by being an imbecile.)
The only annoying thing is that Lenindil has disappeared, or this would be a perfect opportunity. As it is, I'll have to settle for 99.9999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999% perfect.
I can see it all: Gondor(tm) Health service! The Minas Tirith Opera! A *real* university, complete with decon! All those attractive Gondor(tm) women! (Not for me, of course; for the Orcs.) The Nazdaq say that Eovina is incredibly hot ...
(Of course, I'll have to take a terrible revenge for the Leechking's death, first.)
March 19 or whatever the Udun date it is:
I would be relieved if someone would tell me whether I'm evil or not. I feel like a TURPS character, subject to the whims of a gaggle of all-powerful Authors (but at least there the authors are consistent with each other ...) Bha! if I'm evil, maybe I should torture some slaves or something ... if I had slaves, which I don't (workfare recipients and quasi-involuntary labor anti-state detainees don't count! nor do Toon Substance Abuse Rehabilitation Candidates!)
Bha, I'm not in the torture mood anyway. I think I'll pick edelweiss for Shelob while singing songs from operettas instead. Yes, that sounds like a plan! Nyah-ah-ah-ah-ah!
OK, just got back from the edelweiss and checked the latest messages, and what do I find? A lot of good my lecture to Frodo has done! he should have easily avoided being kidnapped by those idiots! I know my entire bureaucracy has been invaded by treacherous malcontents and Gandalf-lovers (or is it Aruman? never could tell those Istari apart ... they had an annoying monotony).
These so-called goodguys didn't just kidnap Frodo and Spiegel, they killed my poet laureate! Do you see me killing the Elvish poet laureate (not that they have one, and if they did, it'd probably be Ohtar Nash)? No.pe. So soon after the Leechking, too! If this is what passes for "good," I'm proud to be evil!
They say Gorbush's last words, before dying, were:
you're not even tolk characters!
well neither am i but i'm closer than you!
so bug off!A bit wordy, but I guess the immediate prospect of death must have lowered his standards.
Lugnardo's so upset by recent events he's starting to get over- exposed. I must have Zap the photographer look into it, maybe redevelop him or something. Now where did I put the negatives?
Meanwhile, let's see if this new guy can get something accomplished. My minions are so incompetent, I've been re-reading the Evil Overlord guidelines to see where I went wrong. I thought I'd learned my lesson after the tour guide interlude, but it seems I didn't. Anyway, if he succeeds in retrieving the halflings and the ring, he'll get to be second-in-command. If he fails, he will get the Foucault Treatment, with some Schoenbergzum-ishi thrown in for good measure.
I have one comfort: even if I am defeated, hope will yet survive in some secret valley inhabited by various bizarre creatures with a remarkable if coincidental resemblance to certain TEUNC psotters.
[You can never be too careful in translating Sauron's Diary, for the Dark Lord's use of teuncwar and his unfortunate addictions both to aromatic coffee and to wogah create enrormous obstacles to transcription, to say nothing of translation. My task would, indeed, be mcuh easier were it not for the appalling inaccuracies that render J. R. Tuppence's "edition" worse than useless. (That Tuppence is even considered a scholar never ceases to amaze me.) Thus is it that the last entry for Sauron's Diary is not quite correct; the true entry is as follows:]
March 19 or whatever the Udun date it is:
I would be relieved if soemone would tell me whether I'm evil or not. I feel like a TURPS character, subject to the whims of a gaggle of all-powerful authors (but at least there the authors are consistent with each other). Anyway, I'm so miffed at the death of the Witchking and the kidnapping of Frodo and Spiegel and the poet laureate Gorbush, that I'm leaning towards the evil side of the spectrum. Yes, I think I'll do soemthing loathsome, like picking edelweiss for Shelob while singing songs from operettas. Yes! that sounds like a plan! Nyah-ah-ah-ah-ah! MWAHAHAAHHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAAH!
But first, I need coffee! All these endless video-conferences are wearing me out. The Dark Lord routine gets to be a drag. At a time when all my efforts are needed to retrieve Frodo and the halflings (to say nothing of the Ring), I see that the two Fatsos are on their way here with an army of genocidal Gondor(tm) thugs. (Gandalf will pay dearly for this treachery!!!!) Brother, what's wrong with these eople? I see only one solution: opera. Music alone hath charms to soothe the savage breast. (Speaking of breasts, I'm getting hungry for some broccoli.)
It would help if my minions weren't so incompetent, that I've had to re-read the Overlord manual several times to see where I went wrong.
I have one comfort: even if I am defeated, ohpe will xet survive in soem SIKRIT valley inhabited by various bizarre creatures bearing a remarkable if coincidental resemblance to certain TEUNC psotters. Truly a little biut of Mordor.
transcribed by Menelvagor the Enervator
Sauron's diary
