March 25, 3019
What a pity that I left Shelob at Cirith Ungallant! I have rarely needed wogah more than now, and Orc-maidens simply do not fill the bill. I'm a little tired of Orcs, anyway. They don't appreciate all my efforts not only to protect them, but to enrich them by enhancing their artistic and analytical talents. Why, before my civilizing activities, the Orcs were just a bunch of little people with squeaky voices. M. Foucault, J. Lacan, and a couple of Derridas: that's how we educate the Orcs in the highbrow land of Lugboz!(*) They took soemwhat better to poetry and music than to theory, or so I thought before that irritating humbug Corbin had to butt in and nab Gorbush. Lurtz, the Orcish candidate for poet laureate, had the effrontery to propose that I "sing" the following, to a tune even more banal than the words:
I would wogah all the females, and send them porno e-mails, if I only had the Ring! I'd be suave, I'd be sexic, I'd be teuncily dyslexic if I only had the Ring! I would deconstruct the classics, and make them quite elastic, if I only had the Ring! I'd be fashionably iconic, and postmodernly ironic, if I only had the Ring!He could at least have written it in Italian.
Maybe one of the participants in my Balrog Cuttings experiment would be a better choice, though even they are disappointingly conventional in their aesthetic approach. But I suppose I have too much on my hands right now (and I'm not talking about Shelob's bosoms, either, alas), what with the disappearance of the hobbits (though only Spiegel showed much promise, and even so her Phenomenology of the Spirit needed some serious editing) and of the Ring, on top of being the victims of genocidal imperialists and narcoterrorists. (And what the blazes are those dragons doing here? Does this look like earthsea? I ask you!) If only I could get my realm under control! I have to face the stark truth: I'm a very good lover, but a bad dark Overlord.
I guess I'll have to pin my hopes on Frodo. For some reason that does not reassure me.
But wait! What is this? Is it an effect of my aromatic coffee? No, no, no, no, no; my coffee isn't THAT strong! As Frodo claims the Ring even in the Swami Naur, the very heart of my realm, my Power in Barad-dûr is shaken, and the Tower trembles from its tilde foundations to its celeverly postmodern crown. (Maybe it *is* the coffee, after all ...) From all my theoretical critiques and webs of wogah, from all my plans for opera productions, my mind shakes free. I will send my most faithful servants on winged monkeys(**); Gandalf's scheme must be stopped!
What a terrible earthquake .. It wasn't supposed to end this way! I'M THE *GOOD*GUY, TRASK IT! I'm supposed to win! Only ... as my realm falls into ruin, and the marginalized races I protected lie open to the murderous designs of my foes, I have a strange feeling, an EVIL feeling ... I feel ... like inventing Ninte
[Here ends Sauron's Diary. If it has passed from the highbrow and the sybaritic to the Muchkin and the Nintendo, such was of old the fate of Mordor Trasked, and if any change shall come and the Trasking be amended, the e-text authors may know; but they have not revealed it [actually, they have, but I hate to spoil a mood], and it is not declared in the dooms of Gal-Dós. For the lies of Gandalf Bungler, the Power of terror and of Hate, sowed in the hearts of Elves and Men are a seed that cannot be destroyed; and ever and anon some appalling breakfast cereal ariseth therefrom, bearing colored marshmallows even unto the latest days.
(*)Poetic for "Lugburz."
(**)This last word is doubtful.EPILOGUE
Since these words were penned, more information about Sauron has come to light, chiefly from Shelob's correspondence and from the e-text of Trolkien's magnum opus. It transpires that Sauron survived the fall of Barad-dur, and was reunited with Shelob. After a brief, rather sick interlude when Sauron was Shelob's slave (presumably because the two had ODed on anti-depressants and were suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder, in addition to complications arising from a stained dress, or so say the Wise), they resumed their lost love. They were last seen boarding the Teutonic in the direction of the resort hotels of Valinor; but it is said they became merfolk, and that their wild wogahs brought many a ship to its untimely doom (but it was worth it).
transcribed by Menelvagor the Enervator
Sauron's diary
