[For the moment, I have not found any more entries. I have, however, managed to get my hands on some fragments of Sauron's correspondence with the Leech-king. I will be publishing these over the next several weeks. They do not necessarily follow a precise chronological order, but appear in the order in wghiuch I have been able to crack their code.]
March 5, 3019
No more excuses! I even bought the haircut story (never mind that you don't have any hair to speak of); but this is too much. You do *not* need to practice "O sole mio" here; you can just as easily do it in Gondor(tm), to the delectation of the inhabitants. Watch G.! I suspect he'll try some sort of double-dealing. He hasn't been answering my IMs lately. And even if he doesn't betray me, his clumsiness and emotional instability may wreck all.
March 6, 3019
I don't need to hear about your amour with Ostrich Flame!@ Yes, she is very fine, for a human, but I am more interested in the Orcs dressed up as Ments dressed up as Ents dressed up as advertising models. And still more interested in the doings of that Aragon thingie. What have your informants been able to determine about his plans? Remember: he must NOT be allowed to go through the Paths of the Living. You know that as well as I. And what news of G.? [...] give Smaughausen's setting of Gorbush's epic poem another try.
[Öjevind Lång published an interesting monograph:]
March 7, 3019
Salvad-dûr Dalrog, the avant-garde painter I retained to paint my portrait, finished his work this morning and showed it to me. He depicts me as a huge, bloodshot eye affixed on a slipper-shaped, black, smoking bottle.
Of course, I'm all in favour of modernism, but... but... but I'll send him to the Mines of Morgul for hard labour anyway! Enough with the disrespect!
I think Shelob is seeing someone else - a slinking little figure with pale lamp-like eyes. What a day![LOL! Where did you find *this*??
If it ain't genuine, it's an Udûn of a goond forgery; even with the characteristic X-rated shapes of the teuncwar.]
March 9, 3019
Well, thank Melkor you finally made it as far as Disgiliath ... G. may be arriving in MT(tm) as I write. Get yourself over there! [...] costume makes you uncomfortable, avert your gaze or just deal with it!
March 14, 3019
Sauron to Leechking:
I am pleased with your work so far (now that you've actually decided to do something). When you take the city, don't forget to be nice to the people and give them free opera CDs. But be ruthless in dealing with the elites, who are the chief obstacles to the progress of civilization. The governing classes and their media propagandists must be destroyed, that a new Gondor may arise from the ashes of defeat, TM no longer, and joined with Mordor in eternal friendship. When they have given us their submission, we will give them universal health care and a free opera house, and perhaps even an art gallery filled with Jaksón Pollárd paintings and found art. They couldn't say no to that.
Don't forget your other mission: to wogah either Éowyn or Ariellë -- but don't sing to them, for that would wreck all. Rather, play tapes of me singing "I'm Dreaming of a Black Gothmas."
And next time, don't send your report in the form of a crossword puzzle. It takes too long, and we have serious business in hand.
transcribed by Menelvagor the Enervator
Sauron's diary
