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The Geography of Mordor

A. (NW corner of Mordor): UFAT

  1. Eople: Orcs (mostly Quadlings), illegal pets, the odd Troll, Balrog, deconstructionist, Tin Woodman, etc. (some very odd).
  2. Points of Interest: University of North Mordor, especially the Quad (whence "Quadlings"), the Castle of Wolfenstein, the Morannon, Mordor Sheraton, and Mordor Hilton (where Morambar Udunvagor was conceived).
  3. Capital: The Administration Building.
  4. Nickname: the Java State.
  5. State Song: Battle Hymn of the Coffee-House.
  6. State Bird: Pterodactyl.

B. (Far west of Mordor): HUMUNGO PARKING LOT

  1. Eople: Drug dealers and other degenerates, sekuritet.
  3. Points of Interest: None.
  4. Capital: Fourth Mordecdes-Lurtz from the left in Lot Z.
  5. Nickname: The Loser State.
  6. State Song: [Expletive] DAT [pexpletive].
  7. State Bird: Pigeon.

    8. C. (South of UFAT, east of HPL): LACAN

  8. Eople: Mostly Orcs, Monsters, Ghosts, Ghouls of every description, but also some Balrogs, Nazgul, Dwarves, Hobbits, Elves, Ents, Harpy-Blarong-Dwagins, more or less regular Dwagins, and Penguins.
  9. Points of Interest: Balrog Cuttings (site of Sauron's top-sikrit experiment), the Creepy Place, Sabrina's Mansion.
  10. Capital: Teh White Horse of Rohan.
  11. Nickname: The Weird State.
  12. State Song: "Allons, enfants de Yahoo-groupes!" (the Borkeillaise).
  13. State Bird: Hoatzin.

D. (South of Lacan, east of HPL): LITHLAD STATION

  1. Eople: Exhausted Commuters of all races.
  2. Points of Interest: Grand Central Station, Times Square, the /ungw? train.
  3. Capital: Everywhere and nowhere.
  4. Nickname: The Energizer Bunny State.
  5. State Song: "Wir sind die Mordororken."
  6. State Bird: The esse nuquerna train is the closest thing to it.

E. (South-SE of Lithlad Station and HPL): a small strip called THE GORGOR OF DERRIDA

  1. Eople: Dalek-hai and other Deconstructionists.
  2. Points of Interest: Derrida's Office.
  3. Capital: "
  4. Nickname: The "(?)" State.
  5. State Song: "I Am the Walrus."
  6. State Bird: Big Bird.

F. (SW Mordor): KANSAS

  1. Eople: Boring farmer types, adjunts.
  2. Points of Interest: None.
  3. Capital: Aunt Em's Cottage.
  4. Nickname: I forget.
  5. State Song: "Somewhere over the Rainbow."
  6. State Bird: The turkey, but only when dead.

G. (E of Kansas): NURNENSHIRE

  1. Eople: Orcs, Trolls, Rogs, Adjuncts, Catfishes.
  2. Points of Interest: Moneybags Hall, the Valley of Naked Mermaids, the Island of Misfit Toys. State is 90% water.
  3. Capital: Minas Vegas.
  4. Nickname: The Liquid State.
  5. State Song: "La donna č Catfish." (The Island of Misfit Toys has its own song.)
  6. State Bird: The Winged Catfish.

H. (North of Nurnenshire, in the SE of the realm, sprawling): W*NKIE LAND

  • Eople: Orcs, Trolls, Rogs, Winged Monkeys, Mean Trees, Harlots, Opera Singers, and other Monsters.
  • Points of Interest (From west to east): The Land of the Flying Monkeys, Macy's, the Valley of the Mean Trees, the Blue Danube, Mini's Ancient Castle, Betazed, the Grand Canal. And to the north:
  • Capital: Minas Wogah.
  • Nickname: The YRAINW State.
  • State Song: "Orco al Factotum."
  • State Bird: Monkee.

    • Contains two autonomous regions in the north: The Domain of the Pillsbury Doubhgoy and (in the far north of the state) Transylvania.

    J. East of W*nkie Land

    (indeed, in the SE corner of the realm) lies AFT, or the Slough of Despond. The less said about it, the better, especially since I don't know how to pronounce "slough."

    K. To the North of AFT: The Land of the Giant Tickle-me Elmos.

    L. (North of AFT, in the easternmost part of the realm): GILLIKIN LAND (not to be confuzzled with Gilligan's Island; Mordor had nothing to do with that)

    1. Eople: The Usual Suspects.
    2. Points of Interest: Valley of the Great Pumpkin, Playrog Mansion, the Ritz, the Grand Canal, Off-off-Broadway.
    3. Capital: Deconstructua and Foucaudia.
    5. Nickname: The Eviol State.
    6. State Song: "Funiculi, Funicula."
    7. State Bird: The Gump.

    M. (Near the center of the realm, a bit to the west): MUNCHKIN LAND

    1. Eople: Mixed, but all cultured and poncy.
    2. Points of Interest: The Lugburz Opera, the Mordorian Ballet, the Mordoern Art Gallery, the sculptures of Lugnardo in Thrakatulūk Park.
    3. Capital: Cirith Undies.
    4. Nickname: The Too, Too, Totally Divine State.
    5. State Song: "Segui la strada gialla."
    6. State Bird: The Mordorese Nightingale.

    N. (A bit northwest of Munchkin Land): MALL OF GORGOROTH

    1. Eople: Mostly teen-aged mall-hopping Orcs. This is the scariest part of Mordor.
    2. Points of Interest: J.C. Penglurz, Elfless Shoe Source, Food Court-D?, Radio Shagrat, Tiffan'ob's, Orcs "R" Us, etc., etc., etc., etc., etc., etc., etc., etc., etc., etc., etc., etc., etc., etc., etc.
    3. Capital: East Foyer.
    4. Nickname: The, like, Todally Kewl State, Duuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuude.
    5. State Song: "O mallo mio" sung in a nasal tenor.
    6. State Bird: Daffy Duck.

    O. CAPITAL AREA

    1. 1. Eople: Mostly Sauron and his servants, but also Orc-maidens and the occasional Scarecrow.
    2. Points of Interest: Barad-dūr Opera House, Museum, and Fortress of Terror (bha, I'd have to check the exact title in the List of Nmaes, but I'm too lazy); Mount Viagra.
    3. Capital: Barad-dūr.
    4. Nickname: The Postmodern and Highly Sophisticated and Aesthetic State of Terror and all that.
    5. State Song: "Moréador, en garde."
    6. State Bird: Sauron.

      7. Much of the Capital Area has been uninhabited since Sauron conquered Disgiliath and eople moved in hordes to the trendy district of Cirith Ungallant; others moved to the almost equally hip district of Cirith Undies. Sauron had most of the remaining ionhabitants removed, because they annoyed him.

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