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Monday, November 06, 2006 @ 3:22 PM Sometimes I feel that no matter what I do to make the pieces of the puzzle called my life come together nicely, they never will. There is a God, and He/She hates my guts. I'm currently in my last year of my bachelor degree in Ecology and Natural Resource Management, and together with my boyfriend I had planned to go take a year in Australia on a so-called working holiday. Then earlier this year, just before the summer holidays, I found out that I had to study one semester more than I had planned. Why? Because the last subjects I needed were only lectured during the autumn semester. Of course I could attempt to do them all in one semester, but the amount equated to double what's required for one semester and that simply wasn't accomplishable. It made the trip to Australia a bit harder. We couldn't postpone the trip for 6 months, as then my boyfriend couldn't go. Apparently there's some rule that you can't go on a working holiday after you're 30, and my boyfriend turns 30 in 2007, less than half a year before we were going to Australia. Either I had to do the year in Australia as planned, then study for one more semester in Norway afterwards, or I could study one semester in Australia and join my boyfriend for working and traveling afterwards. Of course I went with the last option. Remember that I'm in a long distance relationship, and I'd rather spend as little time as possible at the university here in Norway, as it requires me to go to the one I currently go to which is on the other side of the country to my boyfriend. Of course I realise that this change of plans are actually all my fault: If I had just checked when these subjects were taught and made a proper study plan early on, I wouldn't be in this position. But hindsight is perfect, or so they say, and it still didn't lessen the sense of having to give up my plan for an inferior one. Nevertheless, I got accustomed to the new plan and started looking forward to it. After all, studying in a different country is just as much of an experience as traveling around in it - maybe even better, as you get to experience more than one side of the country! Late last week, I started looking at which universities I could go to. The original list was fairly long, but I narrowed them down to those situated on the east coast (the area in which my boyfriend would stay) and removed those in the big cities (it's simply not for me). After considering my options I was left with four universities that were appealing to me, and was very satisfied. Today, I started researching the subjects they offered and whether they had the ones I need. That's when things started falling apart - again! Because while many universities offered many of the subjects I wanted (organic chemistry and/or ecology/zoology subjects), not all offered both the ones I needed (microbiology and cell biology). But I found some that might be substitutable options, but I need to refer with my study counselor which I have an appointment with in the end of this week. But worse, most of them were only offered in term 1, which is (as far as I've gathered) from March 'till the end of June! At that time I'm still doing my last semester here in Norway, and my plan was to travel to Australia midways in my summer holiday and start studying! If I could find fitting subjects in term 2 (big if!), it would divide up the time I was going to spend on working and traveling, and I'm not too fond of that thought. Or, I could work and travel around Australia the entire year, then go back to school for a semester - away from my boyfriend. Dejected, I concluded that once again I had to give up my plan for an inferior one, and my world came crashing down around me. Because I strive to make everything work out, and it never goes my way! I hate studying at this university, 500+ km away from my love, especially since I'm having my doubts about whether this is really what I want to do with my life. The only reason why I'm still here is because I feel it's nothing less than idiocy to drop out now, when I can only hold out a little more and get my bachelors degree. Since my boyfriend lives so far away, I live a very nomadic life traveling back and forth between him and university, and besides the strain of traveling so many kilometers by bus so often, I keep falling behind on my schoolwork. Which means that when I am at university, I have to cram in as much study in a short space of time, trying to cover it all. Like this weekend, I stayed home and studied from morning 'till night, only interrupted by eating and occasional small breakes spent in front of the computer. It's wearing me out! But I used to think it was worth it, as if I could keep it up for just one more school year, I would go to Australia and enjoy life with my boyfriend. And then afterwards, I would move back home with my boyfriend and we'd never have to put up with a long distance relationship again. Everything would work out and life would be great, if I just managed this last year. And now, that's all crumbling away. I feel I keep sacrificing my plans, giving and giving while never receiving. All I've learned is that being a good girl simply doesn't pay off! Having said that, after I had gathered myself and looked over my alternatives again, it doesn't really look as bleak. I'll e-mail the universities and ask if the subjects scheduled for term 1 2007 will be offered in the same term in 2008. If it is, I'll simply travel around Australia first, then study come March, before I go back home. I just lost my ability to think rationally when life threw me shit yet again. -Kerian ~
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Sunday, October 15, 2006 @ 7:41 PM A week ago I got a phone call from the house owners, telling me that as far as they could tell I hadn't payed the depositum for the apartment yet. Which is true, because they hadn't mentioned one and I (inanely enough) hadn't read the contract properly. Of course I didn't have two months rent to put into their account, so I called mum to rant (not to borrow, I know she doesn't have that kind of money either). After giving me her sympathy, she told me to call my dad and if he couldn't help, call the bank. I hate calling my dad for money. We have an odd relationship, maybe because he and mum divorced when I was twelve: I visit him once in a while when I'm home in Bergen, either because he has invited me or because I've invited myself, and it's always very pleasant (but maybe a tad stiff). But we never call each other, only send an occasional text if there's something special. So each time I call him, it's because I need money, and I hate that it is that way. I hate for him to know it too, because I do love him and don't want him to think I'm so indifferent to him that I will only take contact when I need money. I've kept postponing the call because of this, and because mum keeps nagging me about calling him. I hate it when mum nag, because she will go on and on forever, and the result is that I've avoided answering my phone when she calls. Today, I realised I need to get a solution to my money trouble because the house owners won't stay patient forever. So I called dad, but he didn't answer. But at least I had tried, and that gave me a clear enough conscience to pick up the phone when mum called later on. And for the record, mum thinks I've just misplaced my phone for the umpteenth time. But that's not what ticked me off. She asked me to send her my roomies phone numbers by text, so that if she didn't get hold of me she could contact them. I reluctantly agreed, although I really didn't want to do it. Because mum has texted my boyfriend when she couldn't get hold of me, asking if he knew where I was. And she has a long history of calling/texting my friends (while I lived at home) if she needed to reach me but couldn't get a hold of me. But that's fine, I lived at home and of course I needed to answer to her. But now I've moved out, more than two years ago, and I'm going to be 21 years old in a week. Granted, that's not very old, but I'm of age and responsible for my own actions. What gives her the right to know where I am at any given time? It's none of her business! The text I sent did not only include the phone numbers, but also this: Can I ask of you something I maybe shouldn't tell my mother? Please do not misuse these numbers and restrict my freedom, remember I have moved out. And I'll promise I'll look after my phone more and get better at keeping in touch. Love you mom. Of course, I got a bad conscience for saying that to my mother, and sent her a message saying so. I got an answer saying she was on the phone with a friend and that she would reply later. But even though I got a guilty conscience for saying that to my mother, I still believe I am right. She needs to let go. And I, in return, need to keep in touch more. She's not entitled to it, per se, but she deserves no less. -Kerian ~
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Thursday, September 28, 2006 @ 2:54 PM It's funny, now that I'm more happy and content with my life than ever, I suddenly feel I've nothing to blog about and that the few posts I write are badly written and uninteresting. You see, I thought I'd write a new post for my blog since it's been a while, but come to think of it, I don't really have much to talk about. To be honest though, I do have some things I'd like to rant and ramble about here (as that's my way of trying to get some order to my thoughts). It's something yet unresolved, which is when I need most to sort out my thoughts, but until it's brought to light I cannot discuss it here as I can never know who's reading this. Quite a frustrating 'lose-lose' situation for me. I would love getting some feedback/second opinion on it, but I don't dare laying it bare for all to see just yet. Other than that, I'm doing well, as previosuly mentioned. When I wrote my last post, I was getting ready to visit my boyfriend (Joergen) in Bergen for a week. One week turned into two, so I'm still here, enjoying the sweet life. During the time I've been here I've been to a W.A.S.P. concert (which was fantastic!), I've been with a lot of my friends and Joergen's friends, and we've had a party which I think everyone enjoyed. Yet I'm starting to get a bad conscience about my studies, so I think it's time for me to go home again. -Kerian ~
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Thursday, September 14, 2006 @ 7:21 PM - Ben Harper, "My Beloved One" It's now my third and final year at this university, thank goodness. Having a long distance relationship with 9 hours travel time for 6 months is hard. Knowing that it's gonna stay that way for 12 more months? Excruciating. Yet somehow, I will endure it. We will endure it. If I had had a burning passion for my subject, I might think it was worth it and it would make it slightly easier. But as it is, I'm not really sure whether this is what I want, even though the subject fascinates me. But dropping out when you've only got one more year left, is mindnumbingly stupid. And doing it just to be with your boyfriend takes stupid to a new level, not to mention that it's pathetic. Don't misunderstand me, I love my boyfriend, but I'm not going to sacrifice my career for him, and in doing that, lay my entire future to waste. However, I have looked for solutions, asked around to see if maybe I could do this last year at the university in Bergen, where he lives. Unfortunately it's not possible and what it comes down to is that I have to stay here. So I stay here, and suffer. This is were my cynical side kicks in. "Oh, boo-hoo, poor me. It's pathetic to be so dependent on someone else." I've always prided myself in being independent, and suddenly I find that my happiness is in another persons hands. Me, who's always sneered at lovesick fools, and suddenly I'm one of them myself. Most of this scorn was maybe because I didn't really believe in love. Or rather, because I didn't believe (or dared to hope) that I'd find it for myself. It's not at all odd to be thinking that when all I had learned from my earlier escapades was that I apparently was King Midas' opposite (everything I touch turns into crap). I guess things change when you finally find love. -Kerian ~
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Monday, May 29, 2006 @ 8:55 PM - Ben Harper I promised to continue on my last post, but that's ages ago and what felt so important to me then is already history to me now. But I'll try to give you a short outline, just so I can tell you where it lead and where I am now. Quite a lot have changed - and all for the better, I might add! On the end of my last post, I said "But seeing as the person who can do this is on the other side of the country and has for some reason decided not to reply to my texts, that hardly seems likely". Quite cryptic, I agree. This sentence was in reference to a boy (T) that I had been seeing for a few months and I thought I was in love with. He's a really sweet guy, but he wasn't completely done with his ex-girlfriend. I told him there would never be anything serious between us before he ended it properly, and he said he respected me for saying that, and that he would end it right away. We had a good time together, until I went home for Christmas for a month. During that time, he never called and only sent me a pitiful few text messages, most of them simply short replies to mine. That's what had me so down, because I was so confused: I really liked him and he had said he cared for me as well, but I started to doubt as he suddenly dropped all contact. When I came back a month later, it turned out he had seen his ex during the holiday. But by then I didn't really care much about that. You see, by new year I had resigned myself that my fling with T would never be more than just that. Especially since some of T's friends had called me wondering why T called me by a different name (presumably his ex's name). But most of all because my stay in Bergen did as it always do when I'm home: rekindle my attraction to a boy I've known for two years, Joergen. Ever since I met him I've been attracted to him. I fell in love early on, but after some incidents where I screwed up (no need to go in details), I was left with the impression that I no longer had a chance, if I ever did. Since then, I've always tried to deny the attraction that I felt. When I could no longer deny it, I reasoned it was simply lust, trying to avoid the hurt of unrequited love. Turns out though, he's felt the same way for all this time. And now we've been together for four months, and I'm incredibly happy. I just can't believe my luck! -Kerian ~
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Friday, December 30, 2005 @ 2:08 AM - Audioslave Long time no see, eh? I've been thinking about what I'm going to do with my site. I don't use it as I have the last few years, and I don't have any goals for it. I haven't even been blogging much the last six months. Not at all, to be exact. Maybe I should strip the site down and just make a simple blog out of it, where I can blog from time to time when I feel the urge for it. Like I do now. I don't know what it is, but I always get the urge to blog when I feel down. Maybe it's because it's like talking to someone, although you don't get any responses or good advice. Maybe that's the exact reason why I prefer it, because it's like you're talking to someone who actually understand you and don't give silly comments and advice without really knowing what they're talking about. And as always, when I feel down, it's got to do with boys. I'll never get them, I bet I'll die an old spinster. But maybe I should start with the beginning (it's always such a good place to start, I've been told ;) ), it is after all quite a while since my last post and a lot has happened since then. Let's see.. The whole chapter with 'P' has come to an end now (If you don't know what I'm talking about, read my last post. The following paragraphs will make a lot more sense to you then). You're probably all wondering what happened last time (hush, I know there's no one reading my blog except for a few stray readers who somehow end up stumbling over my blog for some odd reasons I can't fathom yet are grateful for, but just humour me, will you?), I'll give you a short run-through. P ended up staying with his friend during his visit in the city, instead of staying with me as planned. We didn't meet up again. He did, however, contact me over MSN while I was at work Monday afternoon (just after I wrote the last post to my blog, I believe), and told me that even though I was a very sweet and lovely girl I wasn't quite how he expected me to be and he didn't think we should keep seeing each other anymore. I was heartbroken. Imagine hearing this on work from the guy you're in love with, and having to put on an "everything's alright"-face, get through the rest of the work day without breaking out in tears, keep up the performance all through the one hour long bus drive home before you get home. And when you do finally get home, you get confronted with happy and cheery family members wanting to know everything about your day. Of course, it didn't take mum many seconds to sense something was wrong. She's a mother after all. Needless to say, I spent most of the day crying (and laughing!) while mum tried to comfort me. Being as emotional as I was, it didn't take much to make me cry of course, but luckily it didn't take much to make me laugh either. I think I would have made a strong candidate for "most diplomatic listener to the worst jokes ever"-award that day! P would be staying in the city for almost another week, I kept myself busy with my friends and even though we came to an agreement to meet up the last day, before he left, I never had time for it. So he went home. And come the end of the summer, I went back to school, and tried to forget him. I did well too, until I started receiving texts from him. First, it was only day to day stuff, but after a while he told me he still had feelings for me. I was dumbstruck. How could he say such a thing when he had dumped me the way he had dumped me? He explained it was because of what he had told me that night before he started acting weird: he's had a fucked up childhood (I won't go into detail, not even here where he's anonymous. I've never told his story on to any of my friends, and I don't plan to tell it to anyone. I don't see the reason why I should) and he's never told anyone about it so early in a relationship before. According to him, he always reacts strangely after telling someone, and since it was so early, it was worse than normal and he pushed me away. To cut a long story short, I gave him another chance and went to visit him. I've told you extensively about his last visit because it was needed to explain my last post, but I won't bother going much into detail of this next meeting, there's too much to it and too much that's still confusing to me now several months after. I had a great time with him, but things weren't as they used to be. I were a lot more "skittish" (seeing as I'd been let down once already) and he was acting weird again. When I came home, I was exhausted emotionally. And when I didn't get any replies to my texts, I snapped. I told him that it would be best if we didn't see each other anymore: the distance made so we couldn't let the relationship mature naturally, it caused an enormous amount of pressure and all in all I think we didn't really fit together. Later that day, I met him on MSN where he explained to me that he didn't have any money on his phone so that's why he hadn't replied. He also said that he didn't agree with my decision, yet there was nothing he could do about it. A week or two later, I sent him a really long e-mail apologising for the abrupt way I had ended it and explaining my decision in detail. I never got a reply. That is, until two weeks ago. He again contacted me on MSN (anyone starting to see a pattern here? Sorry, that wasn't a nice thing of me to say...) telling me that some of the situations that I had used to back up my arguments weren't as I had perceived them. He also told me that he still had feelings for me. But by now I had managed to put him behind me and move on, and I told him so. I really won't be going on any more about this because this was supposed to be a short summary. Now look at the post! I guess I'll finish off here, even though I've yet to tell what I really came here to tell about. But if I know myself as well as I think I do, I'll still be depressed about this later. Unless, by some miraculous means, someone sheds some lights on certain matters for me sometime soon. But seeing as the person who can do this is on the other side of the country (where I won't be for another full month) and has for some reason decided not to reply to my texts, that hardly seems likely. So I'll be off to bed now, and you can look forward to another painfully long, self-berating, self-pitying, cynical post. And when it finally comes, you can read it and thank your gods for not having such a messed up/non-existent romantic life and/or for not being so messed up emotionally/being able to interpret feelings and the complexities of relationships better than I can. Strike what doesn't fit, then go to bed yourself. Good night! -Kerian ~
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